


So Different From This Hell I'm Living

by spirithorse



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 09:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1423741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spirithorse/pseuds/spirithorse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horrible Horrible SNK AU where everything is going the same as the normal series until Trost when Bertholdt is found dead by Reiner instead of Marco by Jean and then it is clear that something is very very wrong: Because surprise! In this AU it’s bottom half of the 104th are the titan shifters with Connie as the Colossal Titan, Sasha as the Armored Titan, Historia as the Female Titan and ultimately Marco as the Dancing Titan. Cue angst and sorrow for all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been on my tumblr for a while and I decided to move here as well. Taken from the prompt from chellodello. New chapters will be posted as I write them up and probably out of chronological order. As a general warning, the later chapters will have spoilers for the new manga chapters. Title taken from I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserables.

"Christa?"

"Bertholdt? Y-you weren't supposed to see that."

"See it...What the hell are you? Are you like Er-"

Christa flinched as the blood splattered across her face, staring in shock at the body that fell to the ground. She couldn't look away, not even when Ymir landed by her side and cuffed her shoulder.

"Come on, before someone passes this way."

"You...you..."

"Yeah, because he saw you." Ymir yanked on her arm, Christa swaying slightly with the motion. "Now come on!"

But she couldn't, not when Bertholdt was still staring at her in shock, his fingers twitching as he bled out onto the cobble. Ymir had made it a clean cut, as clean as she could probably make it. But he was still alive, staring at her like she could save him.

"Bertholdt, I'm sorry. I'm-Why?"

"I told you."

"I could have handled it myself!"

"Yeah, so what? What if I wanted you to owe me?" Ymir snorted, glancing around.

Christa followed her gaze for a moment before dropping back to Bertholdt. There was no way to save him, he was already halfway gone. In a few moments, there would be nothing left but a body. Another body in Trost, and no one would question it, at least if it was done right. But Bertholdt didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve any of it. He was just at the wrong place in the wrong time.

If everything had gone according to plan, if Eren hadn't turned out to be a shifter and Sasha had charged the gates right after Connie had opened the front gates of Trost, then Bertholdt wouldn't have seen her. Christa would have never had to turn into a titan in a panic to clear the area for Ymir.

She bit her lip, watching as Bertholdt's twitching fingers stopped completely, unnerved by his sightless eyes. She knew what they had to do, that they had to just run and leave, but she couldn't do that to one of her friends.

Christa bent down, grabbing onto his shoulders and trying to haul him back towards one of the buildings. The body rolled onto its back, Christa yelping at the sudden resistance. She blew her bangs out of her face, staring at Ymir. "Help me."

"Why? Just leave him and no one will find out."

"They won't think it's odd that his throat has been cut?" Ymir shrugged, Christa growling under her breath as she tried to drag Bertholdt across the street. "Just help me fix this up to make it look like a titan, and then I'll owe you more. That's what you want, isn't it?"

Christa expected Ymir to laugh or at least argue back. Instead she shrugged and waved Christa away.

She planted a foot on Bertholdt's chest, eyeing their comrade for a moment before jamming a blade into Bertholdt's skull.

Christa jumped back with a yelp, watching as Ymir hacked unsteadily at Bertholdt's body. She cut an uneven line through the body's right side, quickly giving up just over the hip. Ymir repeated the process until the flesh hung ragged, detaching her sword and chucking it away.

Ymir was quick to walk away, rubbing a sleeve over her mouth. Christa was sure that Ymir was paler as well, looking like she was about to throw up.

She reached out for Ymir only to jerk her hand back as the woman spun around. "You owe me  _big_ for that. Bertl was a decent enough guy. It should have been cleaner."

"I know."

"Good." Ymir attached a new blade to her sword and jerked her head to the side. "Come on, let's go."

She jumped before Christa could agree, swinging through the houses towards where more titans waited. Christa wanted to join her, but there were a few more things that she wanted to do; like arranging Bertholdt at rest and brushing his bangs out of his left eye. It wasn't much, but it was the best apology she could offer.

Christa stepped away from the corpse, bowing her head before following after Ymir.

* * *

The city stank, not that Reiner had expected anything different. There were corpses that had been rotting out in the sun for nearly two days before they could be picked up. Now, three days since the gate had been kicked down, the cadets were picking over the city.

It was a good distraction too, because it had been three days since he had seen Bertholdt.

Then again, there were a lot of people that had been missing after the hole had been plugged up. Connie had disappeared for a few hours before he came hobbling back, muttering something about fucking up his foot. Eren had disappeared entirely, but Armin had done some scouting and found out that he was being held, an arrangement that Reiner agreed with completely. Marco had come back just before they had headed out, his arm in a sling and an apologetic smile on his face. Apparently the soldiers that had minor injuries were being made to wait while others were hauled out of Trost.

At least Marco's reappearance had stopped Jean from pacing the floor at night. But it failed to answer where Bertholdt had gone.

Reiner had asked about his friend when Marco had come back, but all he had gotten was a strange look and a stuttered apology. There was still a chance that Bertholdt was held up in the line of soldiers waiting for gashes to be sewn up or bones to be set. He intended to go search the line for his friend as soon as he was cleared from his duty. Reiner didn't like his odds for sneaking out of Trost, not when there were commanding officers watching for deserters.

He hauled the next corpse up onto the cart, quickly shutting the back to keep them from rolling out. That was one more cart full, meaning that the other wouldn't be coming by for a while. The group he was moving with had earned a short break.

Reiner tugged at the bandanna around his face, tempted to just pull it down so he could breathe. The air wouldn't be much better, but it would certainly be better than anything filtered through the cloth. But the nurses that were supervising the clean up would just chivy him into pulling it back on. Apparently there were already cases of plague popping up, and no one wanted to haul more dead soliders. Besides, the hospitals were full up. There were rumors that soldiers were sleeping in the hallways because there weren't enough beds Reiner didn't want to end up as one of them, especially since it seemed like it would take forever for anyone to see to him.

He wandered away from the group of cadets he was working with, partially because he wanted to scout out the area and partially because he wanted to find a space where he could breath more easily.

He trudged down the street, most of his attention occupied on pulling up his gloves again. The nurses insisted that he wear them, but they were almost too small to go up his arms, the ends constantly biting into his arms. He had pushed them down to ease the ache multiple times without realizing it.

Reiner winced as he settled them into place again, pausing when he saw a pair of legs stretched out in front of him. He was about to mark it down as another body and move on when he gave the corpse a customary glance at the face. It was something they were all doing, trying to identify the bodies before they went into the pyre. A name and squad would mean that their families would get a letter, which was far better than no news and being burned as another unknown soldier.

The corpse's face was a mangled mess, the right side looking like it had been chewed on by a titan before the creature had just given up and walked away. Because of that, it took Reiner a moment to realize that he knew the corpse.

He fumbled with his gloves in his haste to get them off, not wanting to touch the body with the barrier between his skin and its. Not when he knew this person so well.

Reiner squatted down, reaching out to cup the intact side of the body's face. "Is that...Bertholdt? Bertl, it can't be... What happened?"

There was no answer, despite the fact that Reiner almost hoped for one. He had seen soldiers being dragged away with worse injuries and still clinging to life. Why had they survived and not Bertholdt?

He brushed his thumb over Bertholdt's cheek, trying to meet the gaze of sightless eyes that stared right through him. "Hey, what happened to you? I thought you were with the others.  _Why_ weren't you with the others? You were fine and then...did anyone see you die?"

This wasn't how it was supposed to end, with him alone and Bertholdt a mangled mess. They were supposed to graduate, to join the Military Police. Bertholdt had been the third best in their class, more than skilled enough to avoid getting eaten. Of all the ways it could have ended, Bertholdt shouldn't have been dead.

Reiner groped for Bertholdt's hand, finding it resting gently against his stomach. He winced as his fingers squished against decaying flesh, but he didn't let the sensation deter him from holding Bertholdt's hand in his own.

They had done this multiple times in the past, grabbing onto one another. They had done this three days before, before the Colossal Titan had come in and wrecked Trost. They had done this four days before, Bertholdt's fingers threaded through his own as he had fucked Bertholdt into the mattress. It had been a celebration. They had made it into the top ten and they were going to live out their dream.

Reiner traced his fingers over a pattern of bruises over Bertholdt's neck, hissing when he found which ones were just bruises and which ones were spots of decay. And he hated it because they were someone else's marks on Bertholdt's, permanent marks that he couldn't just wipe away. It wasn't fair that death got to mark his friend and take him completely, leaving Reiner with bruises and scratches that would heal. And then he would have nothing of Bertholdt, nothing but memories that would disappear as well.

He wasn't aware that he was crying until he saw the wet marks on Bertholdt's shirt, Reiner not bothering to wipe his eyes. That would mean letting go of Bertholdt and he intended to hold on until the body was pried out of his arms.

He moved his hand from Bertholdt's neck to cup his cheek, moving his thumb in a slow circle. The motion had always comforted Bertholdt, it was the thing that Reiner had used when he had pressed their foreheads together at night, reminding Bertholdt that they were alright, that they would make it.

Reiner sucked it a ragged breath, pressing his forehead against Bertholdt's. He ignored the scent of rot that rose from the body, closing his eyes so he could see the real Bertholdt instead of the empty shell that he had found. The Bertholdt with the soft smile that was always reserved for him.

"Hey Bertl, were't we going to join the Military Police together? Don't you remember that we talked about that? We were going to work our way up to captain, buy a nice little place in Sina and live there together.  _Together_ , Bertl. Why did you...It's not like you to run where I can't follow. Why didn't you wait for me? We were going to be happy, Bertl. Just you and me. You and me."

He choked over the last word, giving up on any attempt to keep himself calm. Instead, he dropped his head into the crook of Bertholdt's neck and cried, keeping a steady grip on Bertholdt's hand the entire time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be keeping some characters on that should have died in Trost, because I need a little character wiggle room. And Marco's titan form is the ever popular fandom one made by Guchax, mostly because that's how I see him as a titan.

In retrospect, Marco should have seen it coming.

Sasha and Connie were two of the worst infiltrators that Marco had seen, although they had managed to keep themselves together well. Then again, he had a head start on the rest of humanity because he knew what to look for. He knew to look for steam where they shouldn't be or wounds that healed just too fast. He knew how to listen for slips in information and how to watch people carefully. He had used that much to survive both inside and outside of the walls.

He had figured out their secret pretty fast, although he wasn't sure why they were working in the walls, especially when he had found Connie crying after Trost. Anyone else would have thought that it was for Bertholdt, because they had just come back from what little funeral their comrade had gotten. And it was, but not entirely. Marco had walked by slowly enough to hear the other apologies that Connie had muttered to himself, which had been enough to settle the last pieces in place.

Connie had been the one to kick down the wall, which meant that Sasha would have been the one to destroy the inner gate.

It wasn't too much of an intuitive jump, not with the way that they hung close to each other and the way the pauses in their stories were always solved by staring at each other.

Marco hadn't thought much about it then, mostly because he had been shocked that Connie hadn't managed to become hardened by his experience.

Then again, Marco had failed to do that himself. 

That was the problem with the five of them; Connie, Sasha, Christa, Eren and himself. They all cared too damn much to be doing the job that they were given.

He ducked his head as Jean squeezed his hand, not wanting to look at the other three on the roof of the tower. He knew that Connie and Sasha would be curled up close to each other, probably debating on what to do. Whatever their plan was, dying wasn't part of it. Marco didn't know the full extent of their purpose behind the walls, and that should have been enough for him to grab Jean and Hannah and run. After all they had done, Connie and Sasha deserved it. But he had never managed to turn off the part of him that cared, that was more human than monster. And Marco hoped that he never did.

A soft sob had him looking up, Marco watching as Sasha moved away from Connie to drape an arm over Hannah's shoulders. He craned his neck, catching the glimpse of sunlight off something in Hannah's hands, which meant that she was holding her locket. The one with Franz's picture in it.

And suddenly, Marco couldn't stand it because he could easily imagine what would happen. How they would all be ripped to shreds by titans unless Connie and Sasha shifted, which they wouldn't. How they would return with or without Hannah's body and how Franz would just shut down. He would become like Reiner, just drifting without any purpose beyond the next expedition.

He couldn't let that happen to Hannah, the same sweet girl who had bandaged his wounds during training with a smile. The same one who had nudged him towards Jean when he was debating on acting on his stupid crush. Now he almost wished that he hadn't listened to her, because he was about to ruin everything.

Marco didn't have it in him to just save Jean and run, he wanted to save everyone. Hannah didn't deserve to die, nor did Sasha and Connie no matter what they had done. He would get an explanation out of them later, but to do that they all had to live.

He sighed and let go of Jean's hand. Marco planted one hand on the battlement behind him, using it to lever himself upright.

Jean followed him to his feet, chuckling and leaning on the crumbling pile of rock. "At least we got to see one last sunrise before we got eaten. Right, Marco?"

The smile that he was given was forced, because Marco couldn't believe for one moment that Jean wanted to die. This was the same boy who had wanted to join the Military Police, who had begged him to walk away when Marco had remained in place during the graduation ceremony. Jean was only in this position because he refused to leave Marco's side, because Jean didn't want to wait for the news that Marco had died. He wanted to be there to keep that from happening.

"Jean..."

"You don't have to say it, Marco. In fact,  _don't_. Just...I love you so damn much, alright? Let's keep it to that."

"Right." Marco tried to keep his voice steady as he wrapped an arm around Jean's waist. "I can do that."

But he couldn't because it wasn't in him to let anyone die. He still blamed himself for Bertholdt's death because Marco was sure that he could have done something to prevent it. He was going to save them all and Jean was going to hate him for it.

No one would be able to blame him for being a little selfish before he ruined it all.

He grabbed onto the back of Jean's head, pulling his boyfriend's hair a little harder than he needed to to move Jean's head into position. Marco thought he heard a yelp of pain, but he ignored it in favor of pressing his lips against Jean's.

There was a moment of hesitation before Jean was kissing back. Marco accepted the kiss that was more full of teeth and desperate, breathy pleas than gentleness. He took it all, even when his lip began to sting from where Jean bit down a bit too hard. And he returned it, staying silent as he clutched Jean to him because he didn't want to tip Jean off, didn't want Jean to follow him.

He jerked back when he needed to breathe, glad that Jean blushed and looked away. Jean was probably shocked that Marco had done that in front of an audience, because they had always been so private before. 

Marco used the moment of distraction to look down at the pile of stone, finding one with a sharp edge. He palmed it, trying his best to smile as he looked back over at Jean. "I love you too, if you haven't noticed."

"I think I've got that."

"Good." Marco leaned forward to press a kiss to Jean's forehead, glancing over to the other three. He made sure to meet Connie and Sasha's gazes, making sure that they weren't going to move. If they were found out, they were dead. Marco was safe, he was the unknown.

He closed his eyes, shifting until his forehead was resting against Jean's. "Don't follow me."

"What?"

Marco didn't bother to answer the question, turning on his heel. He walked back to the center of the roof they were standing on, taking a deep breath before sprinting towards the edge of the tower. 

He heard Jean shout his name as he ran past, ignoring it in favor of jumping onto the battlement and then into the open air over the titans.

When he started falling, he clenched his hand around the stone in his hand, gasping when he felt the edge break skin. He watched the blood trickle from his hand, focusing his mind on a single thought.

 _I want to save them_.

* * *

Jean leaned out over the edge of the tower, reaching out with one hand toward where Marco plummeted down towards the titans. His other hand was occupied with trying to push Connie and Hannah away as they tried to pull him back onto the tower. They didn't need to worry about him, they needed to be trying to save Marco because the idiot had lost his mind.

What was the good of jumping off the tower without any weapons or gear? One human wasn't going to be enough to save them all, they were all going to be eaten once Marco was caught.

He was about to shout at them to move when there was a loud crack and a flash of light, Jean pushing himself away.

He  _knew_ that sound, knew and depended on that sound because it meant that Eren was shifting. But Eren was in Stohess with Armin and Mikasa to face the consequences of the failed expedition. There weren't any other titan shifters.

Jean leaned over the edge of the battlement, his stomach twisting as he saw the titan that was slowly standing up from it's crouch. 

Fourteen meters. Aberrant class.

The classification was automatic, a kind of survival tactic. And it was far better than allowing himself to focus on the other conclusion, because it couldn't be true.

Marco wasn't a titan, he wasn't one of those monsters. He didn't hate humanity, he didn't want to kill them. He was from Jinae, he had a family that he wrote letters to. Jean had listened to what seemed like thousands of stories about Marco's older sisters and younger brother. About his mother and father and how disgustingly in love they still were. All of those stories had been too detailed to be lies.

And it couldn't be Marco because Marco would have told him about this.

Jean's stomach twisted as he watched the titan shift into a fighting stance, the one that all trainees were taught. It was Marco's stance, with his body twisted more than it should be to keep an eye on anyone that was behind him. The titan even had the same damn freckles that Jean had spent his evenings tracing.

"No."

The titan jerked at the word, Jean barely registering the motion as he backed away from the edge of the tower.

Sasha was quick to take his place, joining Connie and Hannah in watching the fight that was going on below. Jean was too busy sinking to his knees and staring at the roof under him.

Everything he had thought was a lie. The safe little world he had built for himself was a lie.

If Marco had been on humanity's side, then he would have spoken up before. He would have helped Eren. He would have done something other than keep it a secret. Even then, Marco would have trusted Jean with the secret.

"Oh man! Look at him go!"

Jean looked up at Connie shouted, watching as Hannah jumped up and down in place. 

For a moment, he hated them. How could they just take the news in stride? Were they just happy that they wouldn't be dying or were they just that stupid? That Marco hadn't declared his allegiance was worrying, because if he wanted to help, he should have spoken up.

Jean got to his feet, intending to stumble over to them and pull them away from the edge. If Marco was going to distract the titans, then that was fine. The rest of them would run. It would mean leaving Marco behind, something that Jean never would have done before. But that had been when he had been dating a human, not a monster.

He reached out to grab Connie's shoulder, freezing at a shout from Sasha. "No! Pull yourself together Marco!"

Against his better judgement, Jean glanced over the edge.

The titans were pushing Marco to the ground, tearing at his limbs. Jean flinched at the carnage, wanting to look away. But he couldn't, not when Marco glanced back up at them; at  _him_.

His hand slid off Connie's shoulder, torn between stepping away and doing something. Because the titan had Marco's eyes, and there was no question that it was Marco looking back at him. It was Marco fighting for him and in pain because of it.

It was Marco getting ripped apart like Bertholdt had been.

Jean cursed under his breath, boosting himself onto the parapet. He slapped away the hands that were reaching for him, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Oi, Marco, what the fuck are you doing? Kick their asses! You don't have to take it easy on the bastards!"

Marco huffed, Jean intimately familiar with the sound. It was the sound that Marco made when he was equal parts amused and irritated. But what always followed was Marco doing something unexpected, like him flipping Jean over his shoulder in training or a sudden kiss. Or a long leg kicking out to knock the stones out of the base of the tower.

Jean tottered on his perch, falling forward with a shout of surprise.

He could hear the others calling for him, but all he could see was Marco tearing himself from the other titans, leaving behind his right arm. His left arm was upraised to catch Jean.

He grunted as he made contact with the hot palm, not having much time to process that Marco had caught him before he was being deposited on Marco's shoulder. Jean reached up to cling to Marco's hair, watching as Marco reached up to scoop the others off the edge of the falling tower before twisting to the side.

The move wasn't fast enough, because the top of the tower fell on Marco's lower half, sending the titan crashing to his knees. Jean yelped as he was jolted onto the ground, curling himself into a ball and rolling.

His roll was brought to a stop as he knocked against fallen debris, Jean springing to his feet. He didn't bother to check himself over for injuries, too busy racing back to the fallen titan.

Steam was already rising from the body, Jean ignoring the familiar burn as he scrambled up the titan's shoulder. He could stand the pain long enough to get to the nape of the titan's neck. How he would even cut it open was beyond him, but Jean would find a way. What he would do afterward was an even bigger mystery, but it was something that he would solve later. What he needed more than anything was to see Marco alive.

"Jean!"

"Hold on." He grunted as he pulled himself up onto the titan's back, feeling the flesh give a little under his weight. So the body was already dissolving, which was good. It made his job easier. "I have to get Marco!"

He picked his way to the back of the titan's neck, collapsing to his knees.  

The neck was already beginning to give, Jean digging his fingers into the cracks that were forming. It took a bit of trail and error to find the one that led directly to Marco, Jean grunting as he tried to encourage the separation.

When it was open enough, he reached in and grabbed onto Marco's shoulders. He shifted his position before pulling back.

Jean almost fell forward at the resistance, but he just readjusted and continued to pull backward. "Come on Marco. It's not going to end like this. You are going to tell me what the hell is going on. And I'm gonna yell at you for not telling me all of this in the first place. You're not getting away from me so easily."

The muscles and tendons keeping Marco in place gave, throwing the two of them backwards. Jean grunted as Marco knocked against his stomach, trying his best to keep Marco cradled close to him.

The two of them rolled to a stop, Jean quickly sitting up so he could cradle Marco against him.

It took some shaking and shouting to get Marco to open his eyes. When he did, they were cloudy, like Marco was sick. Jean reached up to press the back of his hand against Marco's head, hissing at the heat that was there.

What he wanted to do was to shout at Marco, but then Marco smiled at him and Jean melted. He sighed and hugged Marco close, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "The fuck was that Marco?"

"I'm just trying to keep you interested in me. I heard being a titan shifter was all the rage these days."

"I wasn't joking."

"Because I was trying to save all of you. I couldn't just watch you all die, especially not you, Jean. I don't want to watch you burn."

Marco's head lolled to the side, resting on Jean's shoulder.

Jean panicked, holding up a hand to check to see that Marco's was breathing, only releasing the breath that he was holding when he felt a faint puff of air. He let out a choked laugh, resting his temple against Marco's head. "You idiot. You fucking  _idiot_. What makes you think I want to watch you die either?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternately titled the 4 Times Sasha and Connie Hesitated and the 1 Time They Didn't.

**Five**

Sasha was already running ahead to the next marker, shouting excitedly about how she was going to put up a shelter; which meant that Connie and Thomas were left trudging behind her.

Connie didn't mind, not really. After sleeping through a rainstorm the night before in a shelter that had collapsed part of the way through the night, he would allow Sasha to work her expertise and never let Thomas construct anything again. After all, Sasha came from the neighboring village of Dauper, the ones who went out and hunted beyond the safe boundaries established by their benefactor. Out of all of them, she knew how to survive outside of their villages.

In the end, it was just a trial run to see if the three of them could work together as a team to complete their mission. They had three days out in the field and then three days back, long enough for them to figure out how to survive long enough to actually get to the walls.

Connie shrugged his pack up higher, laughing as he saw Thomas stumbling after Sasha. "Hey, wait up!"

"Chill, let her run out of energy. Then we can do the easy work."

Thomas looked at him like he was tempted, but his training won out. It had been drilled into their heads that they had to work together as a team to finish their mission. And Thomas was the golden boy of their village, trying to make his family proud because he had been chosen specifically.

Connie didn't get that kind of luck. He was included just because he would be useful in the initial attack, like they had practiced in the forests around their village when he would kick down trees or help knock down damaged houses. A wall couldn't be that different.

Even better was the chance to prove himself. The three of them would get to the wall, knock it over and be heroes. Their village would be safe forever and they wouldn't have to worry about the evil people coming after them. There would be celebrations and feasts in honor of them, all because they were the only ones brave enough to venture away from their home.

A low rumble interrupted his daydream of a parade through the streets of Ragako.

Connie froze, looking around for the source of the sound. It was a titan, he knew that much, but the question was where it was coming from. If they got enough warning, then Sasha and Thomas could shift and protect them, Connie's titan form was far too slow to actually be able to fight.

He cupped his hands around his mouth, ready to shout for Sasha when the titan burst out of the forest.

Connie shook as he watched the titan look around, slightly horrified by the irregular pattern of dots that were scattered on the titan's face. It looked like a disease, something that he didn't know that titans could get.

Worse yet, it didn't stumble around like the others did, it moved purposefully, scanning the open field that they were in. Like it was hunting.

Connie yelped as the titan turned its gaze on him, glancing over at his comrades to see them just as frightened as he was. Their training was supposed to be easy. Their benefactor promised that the area would be clear of titans.

The titan huffed, Connie watching as it rolled its shoulders. For a moment, it looked like it was just going to walk away.

But then Thomas bolted.

Connie didn't get the chance to tell Thomas to stop, the titan stepping to one side and jogging after Thomas.

Thomas barely got any distance between him and the titan, managing to stumble a few feet before the titan was on him. The creature knelt down, tipping its head in an almost curious fashion to watch Thomas, before bringing his hand down on him.

The sound of Thomas being crushed was horrible, Connie gritting his teeth at the snap of bones. But he couldn't stop staring at the titan, not even when it lifted Thomas' limp body and walked away.

He wasn't sure how long he stood, frozen in place. He only startled out of his shock when Sasha grabbed his hand and began towing him back towards their villages.

* * *

**Four**

Sasha eyed the groups that the rest of the trainees were breaking down into, trying to watch them as carefully as she had been trained to do. She was supposed to pick them apart, learn their secrets and be able to use them when the time came. There was no clear leader among their little group of three, so they would all have to just sit back and wait until a plan became clear. 

There were many trainees to watch until then. Maybe they would be able to pick out an enemy early on and not have to worry about scanning the group for the rest of their three years.

Sasha nibbled at the bit of bread she had pilfered from the kitchen, partially because she could and partially because it helped her keep up her skills. It was a distraction from her attempts and being distant, because they weren't working.

Instead, she was just watching teenagers clump together in a big mass before breaking off into little groups.

Eren, Armin and Mikasa left together, as they were wont to do. And, of course, Jean would trail after them making eyes at Mikasa. Ymir would hover around Christa and Christa would pretend that she didn't notice because she was supposed to be working. Annie would break off on her own while Marco stayed to talk with Franz, Mina and Hannah. Bertholdt and Reiner went off somewhere together, and that was one pair that Sasha was not about to follow.

Connie had once, and he still had yet to get rid of his nervous twitch whenever he saw them.

Even with that, Sasha just wanted to trail after one group, just for a while. They all looked like they were having fun and getting close, which was something that she missed. Of course she had Connie and Christa, but it wasn't the same. She had come from a close knit village and had left with two people. And then there had been three years of loneliness, three years of being nothing but being another group of mouths to feed and being hated because they were refugees.

Sasha bit down hard on her bread, trying to get her stomach to stop rumbling with the memory. It was alright now, she had enough food to last her for a while. It wasn't going to be like that winter, when they had all nearly died.

"Ow!" Sasha jerked her hand away from her mouth, staring at it in shock.

Her finger was bleeding, a slow trickle that wasn't really anything. Sasha hissed and shook her hand, watching a short puff of steam rise from it as it healed.

When she looked up again, Marco was watching her.

Sasha sucked in a quick breath, releasing it when he simply waved at her. "You alright?"

"Yeah, bit my cheek."

"Slow down then. It won't run off on you."

"Yeah..." She stared down at the piece of bread in her hand.

"Hey," Sasha glanced up when Marco spoke again. "We're going down to the lake to try and beat the heat. Want to come?"

She wanted to shake her head, because she knew what her mission was. She had to watch the trainees, watch for signs of the coordinate, watch for anyone that would hinder their plan. But she also really wanted to belong somewhere again.

But, under the full force of Marco's smile, she caved.

* * *

**Three**

It was a simple enough task.

He had done it once before. He had done it many times before.

But none of his practice runs had involved killing people. And, when he had kicked down the Shingansina gate, he hadn't really realized what he was doing. It had been for the glory, honor and safety of his village. He had been young, stupid and full of idealism back then too.

Back then he had kicked without a thought, but then he had lived through what had happened afterward.

He had lived through the panic of Shingansina being evacuated, of watching people get eaten as the titans poured through the gate. Then had come the relocation to behind Rose, and the time afterward when they were supposed to be assessing weaknesses, but they had spent too much of their time trying to stay alive.

No one had told them that there was a food shortage or they would have waited. Even Sasha had been rendered useless because the Military Police and Stationary Guard were everywhere, watching all the refugees because they couldn't be trusted.

He had watched people die as the food had run low, as they had worked themselves to death and as their government had sent them back to titan infested lands. And all because of him.

The problem was that there was no going back. He had already transformed and knocked the mounted cannons down. Everyone had seen him and it was only a matter of time before Eren sprung into action. What he wanted to do more than anything was just run away, but his only chance at escape was back through the wall.

The only choice left to him was to kick.

Connie roared as he kicked the gate in, wishing that the sound was more like the wail that was echoing in his head.

* * *

**Two**

The titan's body had dissolved completely, but Jean was still sitting where he had fallen, still cradling Marco. He was completely oblivious to the Scouting Legion rushing in to finish off the titans that had risen from the rubble, just like he was completely oblivious to the way that Sasha was staring at them.

It was a good thing in the end, because Sasha didn't know how she would explain how much she wanted to run. She was grateful that Marco had saved them the trouble of shifting, because it meant that they weren't dead, but now she couldn't look at him without feeling fear and disgust.

She recognized Marco's titan form.

Connie tugged at her arm, Sasha twisting until their hands could slide together. It was just like that day years ago, except that they couldn't run.

It wasn't fair that Marco got Jean to fawn over him while Thomas was rotting somewhere in the woods. Or was he a part of Marco now? Sasha didn't want to find out. All she wanted to do was yell at Marco and demand answers, but they couldn't. It would blow everything. But there were other ways to deal with the problem, and Sasha did have the knife that she had found in the castle.

Connie tugged at her again, Sasha looking away from Marco to her friend.

He was shaking, his eyes wide as he pressed himself against her. "He's it. He's the one that killed Thomas."

"I know."

"What do we do?"

They both knew the answer for that, or at least the one that they should have reacted with. They had both seen how the villages had mourned the loss of Thomas, how people had been punished for their failure. It was a simple act of revenge, something that no one could fault them for.

Then again, it was  _Marco_. It was one of the people who had welcomed them into their group of friends with open arms. He was the one who had saved their lives just moments ago. And, if they killed Marco, they would have to kill Jean.

She and Connie already had too much blood on their hands without turning on their comrades.

She squeezed his hand, glad that the motion calmed him down. "Nothing."

To anyone else, it would be a suggestion for a holding pattern until the right moment, but Connie understood what she meant. She was choosing being a soldier over a warrior for once and, surprisingly, she didn't hate herself for the choice.

* * *

**One**

"Connie!"

"I know, I fucked up."

"You...you didn't have to just blurt it out and tell him!"

Connie sighed, bracing himself against the tree as he watched Sasha pace on the branch in front of him.

Honestly, he didn't know why he had told Eren about the two of them. Maybe it was the shock of seeing Marco's titan form. Maybe it was because they had nearly gotten killed. Maybe it was because they were within running distance of their homes.

Or maybe it was because he was tired of the whole charade.

He rubbed a hand over his face, trying not to look at the two unconscious bodies that were laid out on a nearby branch. He jumped when Sasha turned to him again, quickly holding out both hands like it would stop her. "They knew about Christa. I thought they would know about us."

"Why would they know about us?!"

"Because we suck at this!"

Sasha slumped sideways against the trunk of the tree. "Yeah, that's true."

"Seriously, Sasha, what the fuck were we thinking? That we could just do this? Half the time our plan was to just wing it and see what happened."

"Failure usually happened."

Connie slid down the trunk until he was sitting on the branch. "Hell, we were probably helping the enemy the entire time and we didn't even know it."

Sasha joined him, sitting across from him and pulling her knees to her chest. She propped her chin on them, staring at Connie for a long while before speaking. "I like being a soldier far more than I like being a warrior. It was...lonelier as a warrior."

"Yeah."

"Why are we even going home then?"

"Well we can't go back, because I  _told_ everyone who we were. We'd get dissected or killed on sight."

"We'd get that at home."

"But we have a peace offering."

Sasha nodded, glancing over her shoulder at where Eren and Marco were splayed out on the branch. The corner of her mouth twitched up in a smile. "Hey, we did something according to the old plan for once."

"And we didn't even have to think about it."

"True. We're good when we panic."

"Hopefully the next group they send will be better."

"I don't." Sasha scooted around so she was facing their two friends. "It'll be hard for screw ups like us to keep them all safe if they send their best."

Connie could only nod, because there wasn't much that he could add. They would have to go home again, because home wasn't behind the walls anymore, no matter how hard he and Sasha had tried to make it stick. Turning in Eren would win them some favor, which they would quickly squander by rushing away to defend their friends.

It wasn't the best of plans, but it was  _their_ kind of plan. They would wing it and see what happened, because it was the only thing left to them.


	4. Chapter 4

"Ouch!" Reiner reached up to slap at the source of the pain. His fingers brushed against cloth, Reiner opening his eyes in confusion. "What the-"

"Reiner, it's hard to do this when you keep moving."

He tipped his head back at the familiar voice, getting a glimpse of Bertholdt's face before his friend sighed and gave his hand a gentle tap. "Reiner."

He followed the silent instruction, letting his hand drop back into the grass. Reiner trailed his fingers through the grass, trying to keep from looking back up at Bertholdt as his wound was bandaged.

The problem was that he couldn't remember how he had gotten it. Then again, from the position of the wound, he had probably managed to hit his head pretty hard.

Reiner flinched as Bertholdt tied off the bandage. He heard Bertholdt start on an apology, waving it off in favor of resettling his head on Bertholdt's lap.

He heard Bertholdt squeak, laughing as he wiggled up further, only stopping when one of Bertholdt's hands was resting against his head. It was just lying limp there, but Reiner didn't care.

The warm sunlight felt good on his body and the steady of presence of Bertholdt under him was welcome after weeks of stress that had felt like years.

"So, what did I do, pull a Jaeger while in my gear?"

"No. You got hit."

"By what?"

Bertholdt shook his head, Reiner having to tip his own head back to see the motion. "You should be more careful. You could have..."

"That's what I have you for." Reiner reached back to touch Bertholdt's face, drawing his knuckles gently over Bertholdt's cheek.

Bertholdt grabbed a hold of his hand with more force than Reiner was expecting. His hand was coaxed flat, Bertholdt resting his cheek there. Reiner frowned at how cold Bertholdt was, considering how warm his friend usually ran. Then again, Bertholdt was the one squished as far into the shadow of a tree as he could. He was probably worried about getting too hot and sweating. There were still some recruits that teased him about it, recruits that Reiner and Annie still needed to remind that Bertholdt was not to be taunted.

He was jolted out of his thoughts when Bertholdt turned his head to press a kiss to Reiner's palm. "Bertl?"

"Sometimes you go where I can't follow."

"I would never."

"It's not your fault. It's mine." Reiner went to sit up, only to be pushed back down into Bertholdt's lap. The hand holding his dropped down to rest on Reiner's head. "You're hurt. Just rest for a while longer."

Reiner grumbled but leaned into the slow strokes of Bertholdt's fingers through his hair. The touch was enough to soothe him into something close to sleep. Reiner assumed that his head injury wasn't bad enough to warrant being kept up, or Bertholdt would make sure that he would stay awake.

They had always watched over each other, from their childhood in their home village and through the disaster that had sent them both to Trost after the Colossal Titan had broken Wall Maria. They were the unbeatable team.

He closed his eyes, feeling the corner of his mouth twitch up into a smile. "I'm not leaving you behind like that. No matter how far behind you fall, I'll wait for you to catch up. We're doing this together, remember that Bertl. We're going into the Military Police, doing our job and then going home when we retire."

"Reiner..."

"It's what you're always telling me, Bertl. We're going to go home one day, together or not at all."

He thought he heard Bertholdt sob. Reiner frowned, going to open his eyes when Bertholdt pushed his head down slightly. "No. Just...Let's stay like this for a little while longer. You'll have to go soon."

"Me?"

"You have things to do before you catch up to me."

"And what about you?"

"I have to wait."

"That's a change."

"I'm still getting used to it." The hand in his hair was shaking, the small motion enough to get Reiner to open his eyes.

When he tipped his head back, he saw that Bertholdt was crying.

"Hey." Reiner sat up, scooting close to Bertholdt's side against his friend's protests. He wrapped one arm around Bertholdt's waist, resting his head against Bertholdt's left shoulder. "Don't start that. I'm fine. It was just a little accident. And I promise that I'll be more careful."

"You sure?" Bertholdt was still crying, but there was a smile now, which was far better than the alternative.

Reiner nodded, letting his eyes start to fall closed. "Yeah. To keep you from worrying, I'll be more careful."

He was tugged closer to Bertholdt, Reiner not protesting even as his head knocked against the tree. He thought he heard a muttered apology from Bertholdt, but he was already partially asleep. Most of his focus was on Bertholdt's right arm, on why it seemed so strange to him and why he was so relieved to see it.

Reiner gave up on it when Bertholdt started stroking his hair again. "Rest. You're going to leave soon."

"'M not gonna leave you."

"I know. I'm just sorry that I couldn't do the same."

Reiner fell asleep before he could ask Bertholdt what he meant.

* * *

"Ouch!" Reiner reached up to slap at the source of the pain. His fingers brushed against cloth, Reiner opening his eyes in confusion. "What the hell Bertl?"

The tension in the cloth disappeared, the bandage fluttering in front of his eyes. Reiner pulled it away, freezing when his hand brushed against a wound on the side of his head. When he pulled his hand away, the tips of his fingers were stained with blood.

He stared at his hand, trying to patch the puzzle together, because none of it made sense. He had just been with Bertholdt and his wound hadn't been bleeding then. The wound had already been bandaged. There had been grass too, not stone.

Reiner patted the stone under him, turning to look at the person who was sitting next to him. 

Armin stared back, probably with the same shocked expression that he was wearing. The blond glanced down at the bandage, quickly picking it back up and tying it messily in place.

Reiner let it happen, still trying to sort out what happened. "Armin?"

"Sasha hit your horse with a titan. You hit your head against something and we had to haul you all the way back here."

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask about Bertholdt, but he  _knew_  what had happened to Bertholdt. He was dead and gone, ashes probably scattered completely on the streets of Trost. The only thing left of him was the fragment of bone that Reiner carried with him.

Armin tied off the last knot, giving it a tug to make sure that the bandage would stay. "We thought that you weren't going to wake up."

"He wouldn't have let me die. We promised each other that."

Armin gave a sharp nod and scuttled off, probably to see to the rest of his friends. Reiner only paid attention long enough to watch Armin go, the blond running past a group of groaning garrison men and where Jean was staring out towards Wall Maria. But he didn't really register the people as anything more than there.

Reiner leaned back, digging into his pocket for the fragment of bone, his fingers shaking as they closed around it. 

It wasn't fair that Bertholdt hadn't allowed him to stay, or even allowed them to talk. Now Reiner was just missing him more, because he was remembering now, and it was just like the day that he had discovered Bertholdt's body.

He kissed the shard of bone, closing his eyes and focusing on the pounding in his head to keep the tears at bay.


	5. Chapter 5

Christa scrambled upright, looking over her shoulder at the loud roar from behind her. She gave a low moan, searching the rooftops for any sight of Ymir. Without Ymir to run interference, she would be no match for Eren in his titan form. She was smaller and faster, but that would only last her so long. If Eren managed to get a hold on her, then she was done.

Ymir was nowhere to be found on the roofs, which meant that the rest of the Scouting Legion had delayed her, something that Christa should have foreseen. They had managed to work out that she was a titan, and Ymir had probably shown her hand as soon as Christa had shifted. If Eren wasn't going after Ymir, then Reiner would. The Scouting Legion had to know that she and Ymir had been the ones to kill the four from Captain Levi's squad. It wasn't too big of a leap for them to realize that she and Ymir had the ones to kill Bertholdt as well. Bertholdt's gear was still stowed in their room in the barracks.

She pushed herself out of the ruins of what had once been a house, forcing herself not to look back at the bodies. She had to take care of herself first, or else they wouldn't be able to get out of Stohess alive. And they had to get out alive so they could support Connie and Sasha in the next stage of their plan, whatever that was.

Their first grab for Eren had failed, and the second one had turned into a hunt for her. Christa wasn't sure that there would be a third chance, not without some kind of miracle.

Another roar had her running at full speed for the walls. Ymir was out there, and Christa knew that she would find her. If not, then Christa would wait until night before sneaking back in as a human and breaking Ymir out. After everything that had happened, Ymir was a part of this as much as she, Connie or Sasha were.

Shouts from the rooftops alerted her to the Scouting Legion closing in, making her run faster. They had tried to catch her once, and it was only because she was small and fast that she had escaped.

A glimpse of Eren barreling towards her had her turning in the other direction, dodging through a small cluster of homes. She heaved herself over one, using the chance to launch herself over the last row of houses between her and the open space close to the wall. Behind her, Eren wailed, but the sound just brought a rush of relief.

He would have to go the long way around, and now she was home free. No more traps aimed for her or people coming for the nape of her neck. What came after her escape she could deal with as it came, but what she needed more than anything was a break to just breathe.

Christa scrambled for good footing when she landed, feeling something in her foot crack, but it could be ignored. It was already healing, steam rising from it.

But she had misjudged Eren's rage.

Her leg was tugged out from under her, Christa clawing at the stones as she was lifted into the air. She dangled for a moment, trying to process what was happening to her. She had been clear, she had been free, but she was going to be dragged back to the Scouting Legion or torn apart by Eren. Neither of those things could happen.

Christa shrieked, twisting herself in Eren's grasp to slash at his eyes. 

He roared and reacted just like a human would, dropping her to reach for his eyes.

Christa grunted as she hit the ground, making sure to roll over the stones. She didn't wait to check over herself for injuries, just turning and limping for the wall.

Behind her, she could hear Eren recovering from her frantic attack. Fear rushed through her, Christa hardening her fingers into claws. She dug them into the wall, giving up on all finesse for speed. Christa could feel the wall crumbling under her, which meant that there was a chance that sections of the wall could crumble and reveal what was inside. Compared to her and the infiltration, what was in the wall would be more dangerous than the four of them combined.

The whir of maneuver gear made her look up, hoping that it was Ymir.

Christa paused in her climb when she found Mikasa looking down at her. The two stared at each other, Christa reaching up for Mikasa before stopping herself.

She wanted to just swat Mikasa off of the wall, because there was some small part of her that she could not shut up that wanted to live. But she didn't deserve it. She had helped kill people, helped Connie and Sasha into the walls and plan the destruction of Trost. She was not innocent, unable to beg for her own life because any proof she would offer would be shot down.

In the end, she was just a monster that should have never been born.

"Christa," Mikasa drew her blades, "fall."

The blades didn't have to come down, Christa already releasing her hold on the wall.

She didn't catch herself when she hit the ground, only screaming when Eren pinned her to the ground with a snarl. Christa closed her eyes, feeling Eren clawing at the nape of her neck. For a moment, she almost let him dig her out.

If she was pulled out, then she wouldn't have to finish a plan that she didn't believe in anymore. She wouldn't have to kill anymore people. It would just stop.

But she couldn't, because she had been trained for too long to just give up. She might not have been the top of her class, but she could fight. And there was Sasha and Connie to think about, Christa couldn't leave them on their own. Their first group had already been fractured and there was no way to get a replacement, because the job was too big for just two people.

Mostly, she couldn't because of Ymir. Because when she had been stupid enough to give enough clues for Ymir to figure out what she was, Ymir hadn't run. She had just grinned and promised to help her.

 _"Just promise me one thing if I keep quiet. Promise me you'll finish your mission and then say fuck it all. Chose a new name and_ live _with it."_

Christa smiled to herself, remembering the way that Ymir had laughed when she had tried to explain just why she couldn't give up. Even Ymir had seen how bad the plan was, and how it would fail. And her advice was far better than her father's.

_"Forget any human feeling, because humanity is our enemy. To them, you're a monster. Forget what you are and become what we need you to be."_

She had two choices, but Christa knew which one that she would rather have. She sighed, feeling a breath of air across her back, her human back.

Christa smiled to herself, feeling the strange tingle of cold and calm that came as she formed the crystal around herself. "Fuck it all."

* * *

Ymir didn't bother to look up as the door slammed against the wall. From the way that the person had entered, it wasn't one of the commanders or even officers of the Scouting Legion or the Military Police. She licked the cut on her lip, looking up from the mess that her hair had become as she had been hauled into the dungeons.

She had expected Armin or Eren, but not Reiner.

Ymir froze for a moment, looking him over. It was obvious by the way that he was panting that he had run into the room, which gave her enough of a plan. She just had to stall until whoever he had run from came after him.

She smirked, shaking her hair out of her eyes so she could look at him properly. "I thought I would only be entertaining officers for the foreseeable future."

"Shut up." Reiner reached back to slam the door shut. "Unless you're answering my questions, you're not allowed to talk."

"Or what, you're going to make me?" Ymir laughed. "I'd like to see you try. Not even you can do that."

Reiner snorted and dragged a chair close, close enough that Ymir had to sit back in her own chair. Reiner flopped down into the chair, still remaining tense. Other than that, she couldn't really glean any information from him except exhausted and angry, but that had been Reiner ever since they had burned Bertholdt's body at Trost.

She raised an eyebrow. "So that's what this is about."

"I thought I told you to-"

"So, what do they know? What did they know before they came after us?"

Reiner gripped his chair hard. "You had Bertl's gear. Armin recognized it. Which means that you were there when he died."

"I was."

"You and Christa."

"No." Ymir was aware that she snapped out her answer too fast, but she didn't care. "I was the only one there."

"That's bullshit."

"You can't prove otherwise." Ymir smirked. "I was the only one there when Bertl died."

"You don't get to call him that!" Reiner leaned forward, grabbing the armrests of her chair.

Ymir found herself tipped backwards, staring up at Reiner as he continued to shout at her. "Bertl's gear was missing and found in the room that you  _and_ Christa were sharing. Your superior officers said that you  _and_ Christa were missing during the expedition outside of the walls. Your comrades said that you  _and_ Christa overslept the day after the expedition. And don't you dare call bullshit on any of this. Armin was the one to put it all together, and he's suspected since Trost." _  
_

"And we never argue with Armin, do we?" Ymir sighed, tipping her head to the side.

She had thought that they had been more careful, even going as far as to mutilate Bertholdt's body to make sure that no one would notice the cut across his neck. No one had questioned Bertholdt's death by titan, but they had questioned everything else, all of the important things.

Save for Reiner. Bertholdt  _was_ the important thing for Reiner.

The officers would be coming back to speak with her again, and Ymir wanted to be at the top of her game for that. It was her fault that she had been captured in the fight, so she had to hold her ground until she got word from Christa. For once, she would play the damsel in distress and wait for her knight in shining armor.

Ymir shrugged the best she could with her hands tied to her chair. "What do you want to know?"

"The truth."

"More specific."

"Why did Christa kill Bertl?"

"She didn't. I did."

It was a relief to have Reiner back off, even if he did almost drop her chair to the ground. Ymir threw her weight forward to right the chair. The front legs hit the ground with a thump, Ymir staring up at Reiner. "Before you ask, it was because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He saw something that he shouldn't have. Simple as that."

"Simple?"

"Yes, because the world works like that." Ymir blew her hair out of her face. "Bertholdt died because he was in the way. The soldiers who died on the expedition were in our way. Levi's squad were killed because they were protecting Eren; in our way. It was never anything personal."

Apparently, it was the wrong thing to say, because Reiner lunged for her like he was going to strangle her. Ymir tucked her chin down, surprised when Reiner changed his trajectory and kicked the legs of her chair.

She bit her tongue as the chair crashed to the ground. Ymir hissed and spat out blood, hoping that the noise was enough to bring someone running. 

Ymir ran her tongue over her lips, looking up at Reiner. "I could apologize if you want. I probably would mean it"

"No. I want him back."

"I can't do that."

Reiner snorted, turning on his heel and walking from the room.

Ymir craned her head to watch him go, a little disappointed to see two guards outside of her room. They had stood there and let Reiner threaten her. Of course, she was sure that they would have kept her alive, but their definition of alive was probably just a little bit different than her's. She preferred to keep most of her blood inside of her body.

She glared at one of them as they peeked in on her. She wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of hearing her ask for help. Ymir was perfectly content to remain on the floor until the officers came back. The guards could explain how she got there then, and Ymir would just laugh.

She rocked to get the chair into a more comfortable position, using the motion to subtly check the ropes binding her to the chair. They were secure, by Ymir had all day. She would work on her end and be ready when Christa came finish up her end of their escape.


	6. Chapter 6

He had gone with them. After everything they had talked about, everything they had dreamed of, everything that they had promised to each other, Marco had turned around and left with the enemy.

Jean stared off in the direction of Wall Maria, some part of him hoping that he could spot Marco. On the other hand, he never wanted to see that freckled bastard's face again.

He had trusted Marco with  _everything_. He had even followed him into the Scouting Legion, giving up his dream of safety. Jean had just thought that it was Marco caving to Eren's grand speeches and the shock of having Bertholdt die in Trost. Maybe some part of him had thought that it was a way to keep him safe so they could really fulfill the dream of a future together.

But that had been a lie too, just like the stories of Marco's childhood in Jinae. Marco had wanted to join the Scouting Legion because he was working with Connie and Sasha. They had wanted their shot at grabbing Eren and running. That was the reason he had transformed at Utgard, to protect his fellow shifters.

Jean had just been used like the rest of them.

That wasn't exactly true, but it was far easier to wrap up his feelings of betrayal in anger because the alternative was to just feel confused. Jean was on shaky ground as it was, adrift as he watched the rest of the force that had rode out to get Eren get pulled back up to the wall. It seemed like every one of his friends had hidden secrets from him.

Christa had been the titan that had decimated the corps when they had gone outside of Wall Rose. Ymir had known all along and had said nothing. The two of them had killed Bertholdt and Levi's squad. 

Connie had been the one to start it all, kicking down the gates of Wall Maria and Rose. Sasha had helped the process along. They were the reason that Jean had watched his home town get wrecked, that he could never go home because he would remember all the people who had died there.

Jean didn't know what Marco had done to be part of the plan and he didn't want to know. As much as he hated Marco, as much as he wanted to forget, he couldn't stop remembering Marco's stupid smile. In the end, it was much easier to be angry, because then he didn't have to hurt. If he was angry, then all the good memories could be glossed over because the asshole had betrayed them all. It had been an act and Jean could just berate himself for falling for the scheme.

He was trying, but it wasn't working too well. 

There was some small part that insisted that he had known Marco too well to be fooled by something like that. There had been too many nights spent whispering nightmares and reassurances to each other for any of it to be an act.

Marco had turned back for him after all. When Sasha had started throwing the titans that had clung to her, Marco had come back to act as a shield for him. If he hadn't, then Jean would have ended up like Reiner, or possibly worse.

Marco had saved him and then run off without a word.

Jean turned and kicked a bit of loose stone, shouting a curse when the impact made his foot throb. He didn't really care, because the pain in his foot meant that he didn't have to focus on the other pain. The one that made him want to ignore orders and throw himself at something. Maybe if he cut up enough titans or slashed at the wall until his blades were dull and broken he could just _stop_.

Someone touched his arm, Jean jerking away before he bothered to see who it was.

Armin blinked up at him, Jean staring at his friend before shaking his head. "No."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, no. We're not talking about this. I am not...There are other things to concentrate on."

Armin huffed, the short puff of air making his bangs flutter slightly. "I know. I was just gong to ask if you had seen this coming?"

"Seen what? That my- **Marco** was a titan? Do I look like I did?" Jean gestured at himself before flinging his arm out to the side. "Do I look satisfied about a plan well carried out? Or that I'm not surprised?"

"Jean, all I meant was-"

"I'm just as shocked as the rest of you! Just as betrayed."

"I know you are." Jean tried to jerk back as Armin grabbed his arm. The steady grip was too strong for him to just pull away, Jean looking desperately around for a way to escape.

He wanted to lash out at someone, but not Armin. Armin was in full logic mode, something that Jean wanted nothing to do with. He didn't want to be logical, he wanted to be an emotional wreck.

Armin gently squeezed his arm before letting go and taking a step back. "I just wanted to know if he let anything slip. Anything that we can use."

"We didn't talk about this. In fact, considering the circumstances, I don't think we talked at all. I talked and he lied." There had been stories upon stories of Marco's life back home in Jinae, about his siblings, the villagers and all the trouble that Marco had gotten in. Jean remembered laughing at some of them. But they had all been fake, just as fake as the future they had talked about under the covers or the endearments and whispered "I love you"s that Marco had muttered against his neck.

Jean let his shoulders slump forward. "I don't think we ever knew the real him."

He fully expected Armin to try and pry for more information, but he just received a pat on his arm. Jean heard Armin mutter something about finding Reiner, sure that he waved his friend away. Reiner was alive, and that was about as far as Jean cared. He didn't want to deal with the Reiner that would come out of this failure, the one that had seen his only  chances at avenging Bertholdt crystallize and then run away.

Jean glanced over at where Reiner was beginning to stir, looking away just as quickly. He didn't want to see what would happen, it was better to just let himself go numb and stare out over the wall.

Maybe if he did it long enough, he could fool himself into thinking that he wasn't looking for a specific titan to come loping back towards him.

* * *

Marco rolled over onto his back, breathing heavily as he stared up at the night sky. It had been a long while since he had run that long, especially when he had been acting as the forward guard. 

He turned his head, watching Sasha and Connie as they gasped for breath, giving them both a brief check over for injuries. From what he could see, they were fine, if exhausted. They might have to stay in the ruins of Shingansina for a while, just so they would have the strength to cross the distance between Wall Maria and their village. Staying in the ruins would have to wait as well, Marco didn't think that he could move at the moment.

He groaned and flopped an arm over his face, enjoying the solidity of the wall beneath him. His limbs all felt weak enough as it was.

It was a while before he heard one of his friends shift, Marco lifting his arm slightly to see Sasha sitting up. She was giving him one of her odd looks, the one that she used when she was thinking something especially difficult through. From the way that her fingers twitched, whatever conclusions she was drawing weren't adding up.

Marco sighed and rolled onto his side. "Yes?"

"Why did you come with us?" She barely flinched when Connie slapped her arm. "You didn't have to."

"I did."

"You could have told them you were kidnapped, like Eren."

Marco propped himself up on his elbows, looking at the both of them evenly. He was sure that he wouldn't be allowed to get any rest until the two of them knew the answer, which was only fair. Both of them were working together, and he was the outsider, the odd man out in their little duo. It was probably their training that was making Sasha push instead of just backing off like she usually did.

He shook his head, breaking eye contact to stare out over the wall. "Because that wouldn't have helped anything."

"It would mean that they had another shifter with them, in case another attack like that happened."

"And what about you two? Now that Connie told Eren about who you are, you can't go back."

Connie was the one who shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "We'd just go back and say we failed. It's not that big of a deal."

"Really?" From the way that they both suddenly refused to meet his gaze, Marco guessed that it wasn't as simple as they both pretended. He cleared his throat, waiting for them to look up at him before speaking. "And what about coming back to help? You said you wanted to when you first took Eren and I. What happened to that?"

"They probably wouldn't want us. After all, Connie kicked down the wall, and I helped break Maria." Sasha gave a nervous chuckle, sitting up and pulling her legs close to her. "We'd probably give them time, a few more years to train up a new bunch."

"And then it'd start over again?"

Sasha nodded, but Connie the one to speak up.

"But at least they'd know something." He crossed his arms over his chest. "What about you? Why are you doing this?"

Marco closed his eyes, curling in on himself. "Because I want to save you two."

"After everything that we've done?"

"At least you can remember it." Marco opened one eye to see Sasha and Connie staring at him in shock. "At least you know that you have done something worth feeling guilty over. I have no idea. I was...stuck as a titan for a while."

"We know." It sounded like Sasha was forcing the words out. "We saw you when we were little. Our friend he...you killed him."

Marco felt his stomach roll at her words. "Did I eat him?"

"We don't know."

"Damn it." He pressed his hand against the wall, wanting to punch it. But any damage would heal, something that he didn't want. He wanted there to be scars, something to show what he had done, no matter what he did to make up for it. It wasn't fair that everything that could scar him would fade so easily. "Even if I did...I didn't mean to."

Marco took a deep breath, closing his eye again. It would be easier to explain when he couldn't see them. "I'm not from Jinae. I went there when I got to the walls, but I'm from outside like the two of you are. My village was...it doesn't matter anymore because it's not there.

"The Ape Titan approached us with an deal. It would protect us and all we had to do was help destroy the last of humanity. The elders didn't agree, because there was no reason for us to kill our own kind. So the Ape Titan made an example of us, so the next village wouldn't refuse."

He heard one of them suck in a quick breath, Marco ignoring it. "We tried to fight back, to use what he made us into against him, but too many people just succumbed. The stories I told in training, they were true up to a point. I had older sisters and a younger brother. One was married and expecting her second child. The other was engaged. And Nicolai looked up to me like I was the best thing in the world. My mother, my father, all of them either died fighting or were turned into those...things.

"I made sure that they didn't have to stay that way long."

Marco licked his lips, remembering the way that Sophia had laughed or how Elena would talk of nothing else but her upcoming wedding. How his mother and father had spent most of their evenings curled up together by the fire. How Nicolai would come running to get him from the fields with the biggest smile on his face.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, Marco ducking his chin as he tried to make himself smaller. The hand slipped down, rubbing along his back. "Marco..."

"That's why you guys can go back." He bit his lip to keep his tears at bay, there was no point to them now. "I'll be the prize you found behind the walls that you couldn't just let go, someone from the traitor village. Then you can come back and help the others. Just promise me that you'll keep Jean safe."

Sasha was shaking her head and Connie looked like he was about to break down and cry. "We can't."

"You have to, or else everyone behind Wall Rose will be dead or a titan. If that happens, then I...I don't think I'll bother to come out again. There's be no reason to."

He couldn't imagine any of his friends giving in, it was all too easy to see them all fighting to their deaths. The 104th was all the family he had left, and he didn't want to outlive his family.

"Marco," he felt Sasha slide in behind him, curling around him. "Just come back with us, Marco. We won't let anything happen to them."

"I _can't_. I need to be sure about this."

"But everything you wanted to do-"

"Those were dreams." It hurt to admit it, to force the words out, because he had wanted them so badly to be true. He had wanted to live long enough to retire from the Scouting Legion, to return from Jinae with Jean and just forget about what had happened to him before. But that future was nothing if no one else survived. Even if only Jean lived, then it wouldn't work, because Marco would always feel guilty about the people he hadn't been able to save.

He felt Sasha press her forehead against the back of his neck, glad of her silent support even if she didn't approve. It took a moment longer for Connie to haul himself closer and flop over Marco. Marco took the extra weight with a grunt, just glad to have some of his friends close. It was only when the two of them had settled that he realized that the two of them were whispering.

"I'm sorry," on an endless repeat from Sasha.

"That's fucked up," from Connie.

Marco swallowed harshly, reaching out so he could clutch at both of their arms. "I know. But it'll be alright. I'll be okay."

From the way that they clung to him more tightly, neither of them believed the lie. But it was alright.

Marco didn't believe it either.


	7. Chapter 7

It said something that Annie was one of the least fucked up members of Levi's squad.

It was also a responsibility that she was not ready to handle.

She had been looking after Reiner since Trost, a nod to the friendship that the two of them had once shared with Bertholdt. But he was getting to the point where he didn't need her hovering close. Annie was loathe to say that he was recovering, because she was sure that it was the opposite of what Reiner was doing. He was just changing, turning into something that Annie wasn't quite comfortable with now that she saw it.

She had always been pushing him to be less of a soldier, more like a warrior in training. A soldier relied on his teammates, something that they couldn't do while competing with each other. A warrior didn't have to rely on anyone. Then again, that had been her advice because she couldn't imagine trusting someone that much, especially after her life on the farm. 

Especially after listening to her father's advice to trust no one. Be ready to work on her own because people would always be looking to hurt her. Strike first to gain the advantage. Make all of humanity her enemy, because it was better that way.

What he had said made sense, especially after Lady Reiss had showed up on the farm and demanded that all the lose ends be tied up. Annie had never been close to her father, mostly because he either ignored her existence or pushed her to become something more. Looking back, she supposed that he had wanted her to become some kind tool for revenge. Or maybe teaching her to fight was the one way to give her a chance in a world that wanted her dead.

She would never know in either case, he had been killed the night she had been given her ultimatum. Remain and die or release all ties to the Reiss family. The choice hadn't been hard, especially since her so called family had never seemed to want her around anyway.

The lone warrior mentality had worked for her, because there had never really been a reason for her to become part of a team. And, if there had, she had missed it before Trost.

On Reiner, it was only going to get him killed.

Annie had watched him close in and shut down, a totally different person under the grief from Bertholdt's death. The grief and the guilt had killed Reiner Braun as surely as Christa and Ymir had killed Bertholdt. And the conclusion that she was afraid of the moment when Reiner would just give up completely was stunning to her, because it meant that she had messed up somewhere along the line.

Somewhere, she had started to care about people, and it was only going to hurt.

If she was brutally honest about herself, she had failed long before Trost. Probably about the time that Mina had sidled up to her during winter training and called her Annie Reiss. Annie had no idea how Mina had figured out the information, and she would probably never know that either. Trost had claimed many victims. All that was left of Mina was a broken promise to reclaim her name and move forward.

Annie supposed that Mina had thought that she was helping, or that she should feel guilty enough about the death of her friend to actually fulfill the promise.

But she didn't want to. She wanted to take her father's words to heart and hate the people who had shunned her for most of her life. Who had made living a hell for her. The name had worth now, and Annie would gladly take it up to see the Reisses fall and the titans disappear. Reiner wasn't the only one who wanted revenge for what happened to Bertholdt. And, after that, she would toss the name away like the garbage it was because none of that meant anything to her, and the others from her class were starting to mean more.


	8. Chapter 8

Someone was speaking, the drone almost enough to send him back to sleep. The voices were familiar too, which meant that he was safe; although the thought made him wince. But why wouldn't he be safe among his friends?

The voices stopped when he moved, Eren blearily lifting his head. He thought he heard someone mutter, "He's awake", before he felt the steady pressure of someone beside him. Eren bumped against them with his shoulder, a familiar gesture after weeks with Levi's squad. That the person didn't return the gesture meant that they weren't from the squad, which made sense. Everyone was dead, save for Levi and they had left the captain behind because of his ankle.

Eren tried to sit up, leaning against the steady presence of the person beside him.

"Hey careful. Careful. We're on a branch." Marco's voice had Eren opening his eyes before he was quite ready.

The sharp sunlight had his head throbbing, Eren hissing in pain. The sound came out dryer than he expected, Eren having to swallow so his throat felt somewhat normal. It was the same dryness that came after he shifted, which made sense with events as he remembered them.

He had shifted to fight the Armored and Colossal Titan.

No.

He had shifted to fight Sasha and Connie.

Eren jerked forward, glaring at the other two people on the opposite branch. He didn't get far before his balance shifted, Eren catching himself on Marco's shoulder. He looked down at Marco, trying to free his hands from where they were tied behind his back, noting that Marco was trussed up the same way.

He met Marco's gaze, surprised at the slow shake of his head that he was given. "Don't."

The advice was ignored as he saw the sword that Sasha was holding, ready to defend herself against them. Like they were the monsters.

He didn't lean forward again, Eren pushing away from Marco to sit up. "Traitors."

"Eren, we-"

"Murderers!"

"If you would just let us-"

"Why should I care about what you have to say? Why do you think that I want to listen to a monster?"

That had them both shrinking back. Eren was only allowed to be proud for a moment, because Marco knocked against him again.

"I do." Marco shook his head when Eren went to speak. "I want to know what they have to say for themselves because they haven't killed us yet. And I need to know why."

Now that Marco mentioned it, Eren almost wondered why. Sasha and Connie were the enemies of humanity, surely they would want to kill the people who were the most adept at killing titans. But that was secondary, because the reasons for everything were stranding in front of him and they had been his friends.

Marco shot him a long look, the kind that he was always using on Jean to shut him up. Eren went quiet. Marco could get the information that he wanted; it would only buy Eren time to break himself free. Then he could grab Marco and run back to the wall.

Of course, that would come after he made sure that the Armored and Colossal titan were dead.

He started shifted his hands behind his back, glaring at Sasha and Connie the whole time. When they remained silent, he huffed. "You wanted to talk. So talk already."

To his surprise, Connie just laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. "It feels like we're on trial."

"You should be."

Connie flinched, Sasha quick to step in front of him. "Maybe we should be, but we were just kids."

"Like that forgives anything."

"Eren!"

Sasha was already shaking her head, ignoring Marco's sharp reprimand.  "He's right, Marco. It doesn't forgive anything. But it's how it started. What else do you expect kids to do when they are trained to follow orders or when they get told that they're saving people?"

"You call what you did  _saving_ people?"

"You weren't people to us!" Connie slapped his hand over his mouth, Sasha staring at him in equal shock. They remained frozen like that for a moment before Connie dropped his hand away, his words coming out in a rush. "We were told that  _you_ were the monsters, that  _you_ had trapped us outside the walls to kill us all off. It's hard living out there, so when we were offered help, we took it. We were just supposed to be killing monsters."

Marco leaned forward, taking advantage of the fact that Eren was still reeling over what Connie had said. "They aren't monsters."

"How could we know that?" Connie looked like he wanted to run. "You guys don't know anything about the outside world. How do you expect us to know what went on behind the walls?"

Sasha was the one to stop Connie this time, slinging an arm over his shoulders and pulling him close. Connie rested his head against her shoulder, one of his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her close. Sasha didn't seem to notice, her focus on Eren. "That's why weren't doing this, to make the killing stop."

Eren laughed. "You're taking me away from the one group that can do that."

"I know and we're sorry, but we have our own families to think of." Eren wanted to punch her for the way that she looked at him, like she expected some kind of pity. "We just need you to come with us for a while and then we'll come back. I promise you that."

"And you think I would trust you?" Eren shook his head, feeling the cords around his wrist begin to loosen. He glanced over at Marco, trying to judge if he could free Marco before making his move, but his friend was completely focused on the traitors.

He didn't care what clue Marco was waiting for or any kind of misplaced compassion he had. Their story was just making Eren want to get away faster. The same families that Connie and Sasha desperately wanted to save were the monsters, because they had agreed to a plan that would kill thousands of people.

And Sasha and Connie were the worst of them.

The cord snapped, Eren tossing it aside and jumping to his feet. On their branch, Sasha and Connie moved for their weapons, but they would be too late. All he had to do was bite his hand and they were done for.

Except Marco grabbed him and shoved him back to the branch, holding him there.

Eren nearly snarled, trying to twist out of Marco's hold. "What are you doing?"

"Keeping you alive."

"When did you get out?"

"A while back." Marco glanced over at where Sasha and Connie were slowly relaxing, continuing in a whisper. "I know you don't like it, but they could be on to something. We could stop this by eliminating the threat on the other side of the wall."

"Impossible."

"Can't we try?"

"No." Eren jerked to the side, nearly throwing Marco off of him. "We kill them now. It's what they deserve."

He grunted as Marco resettled, not sure if the elbow to his side was accidental or not. The new position did allow him to twist up to see Marco's face, which was strangely blank for him.

"Eren, don't make me choose. If I had to you would never forgive me for it either."

"It's not about choosing. It's about killing them before they kill us."

Marco flinched at that, his hold loosening.

Eren smiled, about to wiggle away when Marco leaned forward, getting a better hold of his shoulders.

"I'm sorry too, Eren. I hope we can still be friends when all this is over."

He didn't have time to ask what Marco was talking about before Marco got a better hold on him and slammed him down against the branch.

Eren gasped in pain, and then everything went dark.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the point where I say goodbye to what's happening in the canon and start tracking my own way.

Marco had expected the jeering when he had been led out, and the cheering when they had kicked out his knees. He was a traitor to their cause after all, something to be celebrated.

And how they had celebrated. Marco was sure that he had been kept up half the night with the feast that went on in the village. Of course, he was sure that the Ape Titan wouldn't have approved completely, but it would have been a bad move to keep the villagers from cheering on their two conquering heroes. The plan wasn't finished, but it was progress and it was a better way for Connie and Sasha to slip away than to be remembered as traitors only.

By now, they should have been halfway back to the walls, leaving on promises to finish the job and apologies for turning back so early. So their families would remember them as completing parts of their mission, as some kind of heroes before that was stripped away from them. Marco didn't want to think about what would happen to those same families when the truth came out. Then again, he wouldn't be thinking about much for longer.

He clambered to his feet, ignoring the way that his right knee ached. It would heal soon enough, just in time for him to kneel in front of all of them. And he would have to smile, Marco kept reminding himself of the fact. He would have to smile because he was alright with this end. It gave Connie and Sasha the time they needed to run and it would be a way to make up for everything that he had done. All the people he had killed, purposefully or accidentally, titan or human. It was easier than going back to the walls, because there he would have been questioned. Here, his trial had been decided long ago, now it was just the execution.

It was easier to just close his eyes and let himself to be led. Then all he had to do was to think about Jinae, the beautiful village he had lived in until he had heard a rumor about a family who knew about the titans in the walls. The way the sun had fallen across the houses, or the fountain that he had spent hours staring at because of the intricate carvings of birds and flowers.

Like this, he could only hear some of what was shouted at him. But none of that mattered. He was finally going home.

The priests in Jinae had always said that a wonderful afterlife awaited those who had done what was right and respected the walls. Marco wasn't sure that he fell into either category, but he hoped that he had come close. The priests had said that everyone who had come before was waiting for them there, and Marco desperately wanted to see his family. He wanted to see his mother, his father, Sophia, Emile and the nephew that he had never gotten the chance to meet. He wanted to see Elena and Nicolai. He wanted to see everyone from his village again.

And then, maybe in thirty or forty years he would get to see Jean again. Maybe the buffer of decades would be long enough that he could actually explain why he had done everything.

As it was, it was enough for Marco just to remember Jean's smile and all it's little variations as he was yanked to a stop and forced to kneel.

He tensed a little when his head was yanked forward, exposing the back of his neck, but that was just a reflex. There was no need to protect the nape of his neck any longer. He just had to relax and let it go, to just keep thinking of Jean because that was the only way he would remain steady enough to let this happen. He had chosen his death, which was far better than what anyone else had gotten.

Far better than what Bertholdt had gotten.

Marco let his head drop forward, barely paying attention to the speech that the leader of the village was giving. His mind was back in training, back when they had all be happy and laughing over some stupid joke. Those were the times he wanted to remember, the last things he wanted to think of before it all ended.

The speech stopped, Marco having time to let out a shaky exhale as the blade came down on the back of his neck.

* * *

The house was in a panic, Jean stumbling down into the main room to see everyone running around. He was about to snap at them all to be quiet when he saw the swords that everyone was carrying. There was no practice with the gear that he knew of, so something must have happened.

Hannah was the only one to stop and look at him, tossing a sword up to him. "Get in position."

"Why?"

"Annie spotted them, and they want to talk."

"Who?"

"Sasha and Connie." Jean's hand tightened on the sword, Hannah quick to reach over and coax him to relax. "They promised to tell us everything. Captain Levi is out there with them now. They won't get past him."

"Why?"

Hannah stared at him a moment before shrugged. "I don't know. I just got told to-"

The door was forcefully opened, Hannah and Jean freezing as they saw Levi standing there.

Their captain just scowled, his hands not moving from where they rested on his swords. "I thought you were soldiers, not maids. Get moving, this isn't the time for gossip."

"Yes sir!"

"Not you, Kirschtein. Stay here."

Jean remained in his salute, envious of Hannah that she got to rush up the stairs and take up position there. It probably wouldn't help if either Connie or Sasha shifted because the house would just come down on all of them, but it would at least show that they were ready to use force. Although he couldn't think of anything that either Sasha or Connie could say that would let the two of them just walk into the cabin alive.

Eren was the next to walk in, Levi catching him by the shoulder and sending him up the stairs with a not so gentle push. That Eren didn't argue there meant that there had been a shouting match outside, one that Jean had missed.

He frowned, turning to watch Eren storm up the stairs. Trying to talk to Eren would be stupid and probably lead to the two of them punching each other, but he wanted to know what was going on, because they were letting enemies into their base when they were already surrounded on both sides with the titans and the government. Surely someone was smart enough to see that this was a stupid plan.

Any demands that he wanted to make were forgotten when Connie darted into the house, followed closely by a heavily burdened Sasha.

Connie looked around frantically before gesturing to the table. "Can we put him there?"

"Where we eat?" Levi looked horrified for a split second before he shook his head. "No. Kirschtein will guard him while we talk. Pass him over and sit down."

Connie nodded and dropped into a seat, Annie stepping up behind him and training her sword on the back of his neck. Connie slumped forward slightly, but made no other move.

Jean looked away when Sasha bumped his arm. He dropped his sword, holding out both arms and grunting when the bundled thing was dropped into his arms. Jean shifted to get a better hold, freezing when some of the blankets dropped away.

"What-"

"We should have been faster." Sasha reached out to push Marco's bangs out of his eyes, yanking her hand back when Jean curled protectively over him. "They had already started and I don't know how far they got before we saved him."

"Is he alive?"

"Yes, and the cut to the back of his neck healed, but he hasn't moved since. I don't...I don't know what happened or if-" Sasha was cut off as Mikasa prodded her back. She hung her head and shuffled to her place at the table, Levi quick to follow her.

A sharp wave had Jean backing off automatically, like he would have stayed for the talks anyway. He had Marco back, which was everything that he had wanted and his worst nightmare.

He still wasn't sure if he hated Marco, all the memories mixed up with betrayal and misery over the weeks that the three of them had been gone. The problem was that he was still pretty sure that he was in love with Marco, which made everything worse.

The fact that he couldn't get any explanation from Marco just made the whole situation hell.

He opened the door to the room he shared with Armin with his shoulder, careful to keep Marco balanced in his arms. Some part of him just wanted to drop Marco onto the floor and walk away, because he honestly didn't care what Marco had to say. It wouldn't change the fact that he had chosen whatever Sasha and Connie had promised over him, over everything that they had talked about.

Jean settled for dropping Marco haphazardly on the bed, almost regretting it instantly when Marco whimpered. He watched as Marco scrambled at the blankets that he was wrapped it before rolling to his side, Jean staring at the bandage that was wrapped around his neck.

Sasha had said that it had healed, so the bandage didn't make any sense. Unless it hadn't healed until recently. The nape of the neck was the weak point for titans.

He jumped when he brushed his fingers over the bandage, shocked by his reaction. 

What he should do was turn and walk downstairs. Important information was being relayed and Jean didn't want to be like Eren. He could control himself enough that he didn't need to be sent to his room.

But Marco was sweating and reaching out for someone like contact with another person was the only thing that was keeping him sane. And Jean hadn't slept properly for a long time.

He jerked his hand away with a curse, glancing around the room before sitting heavily on the end of the bed. Jean rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes. "Damn it, Marco. You were the one always telling me to be careful. What the hell were you doing?"

There was no answer, Jean not really expecting one.

He looked down at Marco's twitching hand, reaching out to grab it in his own. Jean wasn't sure if he just wanted the motion to stop or he was trying to comfort Marco. He squeezed Marco's hand, more out of habit than anything else, because being with Marco was easy and natural. It was like breathing and it felt so good to have him back.

Jean groaned. "Damn it, Marco. I thought I was done with this. It should have been easy. You left, so I hate you. Why'd you have to mess this up by coming back?"

There was no answer again, and Jean wasn't sure that he wanted one. 

The three of them coming back messed everything up. What were they supposed to do with three traitors when they were trying to start a coup themselves? Jean wasn't sure that they could hide them forever, and he was even more sure that he wouldn't be able to stand and watch Marco get executed. Someone outside of the walls had already tried to kill him, and the thought that Marco could have died and Jean would have never known filled him with dread.

He sighed and let his head rest against the wall. "So what do we do now? Do we stand by the three of you or just...It would have been easier if you guys had never come back, you know that? We could have moved on."

They could have continued working to free humanity from the walls. They could have pushed the current government out of power, destroyed all the titans and made a new home for themselves. They could have done it with the anger of humanity and the skills of the Scouting Legion.

When it was all done, if by some unwanted miracle he survived, then he would have gone to a small town and lived out the rest of his life in the peace he deserved.

And all of it could be done without Marco. It's what he had been telling himself since the day that Marco had gone with Sasha and Connie.

None of his conviction stopped him from clutching at Marco's hand like it was his last lifeline.


	10. Chapter 10

The sun was bright, a change from the series of the cloudy days that they had been having. Christa stretched out, enjoying the feeling of grass between her toes.

Everyone had been kept inside because of the rain and Christa had chafed  at being kept inside. Her mother had tried to tell her that the rain was needed, but Christa had none of it. There were important things to do, like explore the nests that she had found at the beginning of spring or train.

The fact that Thomas had died trying to get ready for her mission still made her sad, but not sad enough to stop being excited. Because they had chosen her. Out of all of the kids who had trained and could shift, they had chosen her.

Christa kicked her feet against the ground in excitement.

The training field still needed to dry out before she and the others could go back, but she didn't care at the moment. It wasn't raining and she could be outside. She was able to lie in a field without being watched. There was no danger, which was a good thing. There was only the grass under her back and the sky above her head.

And it was warm. Christa tipped her head back with a smile. It was deliciously warm.

If she had her choice, the chance to save her village or not, she would just lie in the field forever. She was at peace, and not haunted by memories of bodies, memories she was trying her best to forget. Those were something from the rainy days, the days that she wanted to push away.

She wanted so badly to forget those rainy days, the days of pain and suffering. Christa wanted to focus on the sunny days, the ones filled with laughter, friends and  _her._ The moments with her had to be especially protected.

Christa wiggled deeper into the grass, enjoying the tickle of it against her arms as she drifted closer to sleep.

* * *

Ymir pressed her ear against the door, listening for the sound of her guards. From what she had observed, the two guards should be changing out, a pair marching up to meet the new pair at the top of the stairs. It was the worst system, probably the work of the Military Police.

She chuckled, pulling away from the door when it was clear that the guards were really gone. Of course the Military Police would mess this up, because they were too busy fumbling with the entire situation. If the Scouting Legion had been in charge of her, then it wouldn't have been so easy to escape.

The spoons had been left with her food, and Ymir had spent her time grinding the ends into what she needed. With them, she could pick the lock and then use them as weapons if she ran into trouble. The Military Police wouldn't be expecting the move from her. She was just human after all. Everyone expected Christa to be the problem. Knowing them, they probably had Christa chained down good and tight to prevent anything from happening. That was when she would sweep in and free Christa.

She had waited for five days, plenty of time to set Plan B in action, but Ymir had run out of patience. Now it was Christa's turn to play the damsel in distress, at least until they got out of the dungeons. Then Christa would probably have to shift so they could run. Where they would run she would leave up to Christa. She probably knew better hiding places than Ymir.

The lock clicked, Ymir quickly pulling her spoons away from the lock and pulling the door open.

A quick check down the hallway showed that she still had time. Ymir grinned and turned toward her left, heading deeper.

Logically, they would try to hold Christa as deep underground as possible, like they had done with Eren during his trial. Less sunlight and more secure places to chain her to. Also, she had overheard the guards complaining about how it was so easy to lose time on the lower levels. 

Ymir jogged down the dimly lit corridors, the filed spoons clutched in her fists. The one glitch in her plan was that she didn't know the schedule of the guards around Christa. Ymir just hoped that there were only two, because two would be easier to take out than more. Maybe if she had prepared more spoons it would have been better, because there could have been more for throwing. And, if she messed this attempt up, then there probably wouldn't be a second chance. She would be hauled to a new dungeon until they figured out what to do with her. 

She was just an accessory after all.

Ymir slowed down at a second set of stairs, throwing a glance over her shoulder. The corridor was still clear, but she was running out of time.

Forgoing the need to sneak, she sprinted down the stairs, heading down the path lit by torches. Ymir closed her hand more tightly around the spoons, ready to run into any guards.

To her surprise, there were none.

She slowed to a stop, staring at the closed door. There was no other place that they could be holding Christa, but the only thing between Christa and the rest of the world was a lock. Ymir wanted to laugh, because her Christa was smarter than that. Christa would have been out days before.

The question was why hadn't she.

Ymir went to work on the lock, surprised to find that it was even easier than the one on her cell.

Nothing was making sense. Why would they neglect a shifter so much? Did they want Stohess to be destroyed again?

Those were answers that she would wait to answer when they were far away. Only idiots tried to escape and answer questions. If they were pressing enough, Ymir believed that they would just answer themselves.

She left the spoons in the door, shoving her shoulder against it when it stuck briefly.

The door creaked at it opened, Ymir stumbling into the cell.

It was darker than the corridor, only one end of the cell lit with two torches. Ymir frowned, looking towards the giant crystal that was chained to the wall. She almost walked past it, because it wasn't what she wanted. Maybe Christa was in another cell and the Military Police were hoarding things they could sell, for the time when they ran out of equipment.

It was only when she moved to the side that she saw the person in the crystal, and the sight brought her to her knees.

Christa was there, which explained everything.

She wouldn't need guards or a complicated lock if she was encased in crystal. She had't come for Ymir, because she wasn't able to. It explained why Reiner had acted like he had the upper hand when he had come to talk to her. Why the guards had seemed to laugh at her. Why the officers had always carefully avoided the subject of Christa when they talked to her.

They had all known and no one had told her.

Ymir walked up to the crystal, hesitating before pressing a hand close to where Christa's was.

Her stillness lasted for a moment, Ymir yanking her hand back and punching the crystal.

There was a snap from her hand, but she ignored it and the pain that came from it.

"Damn it, Christa, drag yourself out of there. I can't haul a chunk of rock out with me. I can't even - Damn it, Christa."

She sank down onto her knees, staring at the crystal, trying to figure out something, anything to do. But all she could think of was to repeat "Damn it, Christa," under her breath.


	11. Chapter 11

Eren was pacing again, which was annoying but strangely mesmerizing. It was a nearly continuous motion, Eren pivoting every time he finished up the four steps it would take him to get to the bed. Getting back to the window only took three because he would rush. Then, he would spend a short amount of time by the window, just enough to do a thorough sweep of the approach to the cabin before he started again.

It was enough to make Annie want to punch him.

She rested her cheek on her hand, choosing to stare at the window instead of watching Eren pace, but there wasn't much to watch. There was just the trees and the gravel walk. Annie splayed out leg out, knocking it against the loaded musket that she had propped up against the table, just in case some stranger came up to their new base of operations. The box with the cartridges and bullets were on the table beside her, ready for a reload.

The distraction only lasted for a minute before the sound of Eren's footfalls filtered back into her awareness. Annie shifted so the heel of her hand was pressing against her eye. She would take whatever nightmares that would make Marco wake up screaming to Eren's endless pacing.

She snapped her head up as Eren came back to the window, trying her best to keep her voice even. "Staring at the window won't bring them back sooner. Sit down and stop acting like a war widow."

That got the glare she was expecting, along with the huff. She was surprised that Eren flopped down into the chair across from her. He didn't stop staring out the window though, but the lack of pacing was enough of a victory for her.

Annie shook her head and sat back, wrapping her fingers around the musket as she stared out the window as well.

When the others had gone on the mission, they hadn't given her an approximate time they would return. For all she knew, they could be out for another hour or gone for days. All she had were her orders, which were to stay in the cabin, keep Eren in the cabin and keep watch for anything suspicious. It was simple enough, because she was content to wait and Marco was unconscious more than he was conscious. But Eren was another thing completely.

She sighed, reaching out to slam her hand over Eren's when he started to drum his fingers. "Stop. He'll be back and he'll be fine."

"How do you know?"

"Because Armin is tougher than you think. The captain wouldn't have chosen him if he wasn't capable."

"It's not that he's not capable. It's that-"

"It should be you?" Annie raised an eyebrow when Eren went silent. That was as good a tell as any. And, in her own way, she agreed with the sentiment.

She wasn't content to just sit around in the cabin, but there were orders and she would follow them. Her own thoughts on the matter didn't come into play until later.

Eren sighed and tugged his hand away. "It should be, because they're after  _us_. Armin and Jean can take care of themselves but they don't even look like us. Why weren't we the ones to go in?"

"Because we're too important." Annie held up her hand. "Yes I could fight my way out and you could rip them apart. But that's not the point. They want to  _capture_ the people who are after us, not kill them."

"I know that. I heard the orders." Eren stood up, Annie edging her chair back just in case he started pacing again. Instead, he pushed his fingers through his hair. "And I understand why it's important. What I don't understand was why they took Sasha and Connie with them."

"Sasha's the best with ranged weapons. It's a good combination."

"Sasha is a traitor. Connie is too. Why would they take the two of them along? We could have watched them!"

Annie raised her eyebrows at his outburst.

She understood why Eren was upset. Sasha and Connie had betrayed them all, multiple times. And yet Levi had taken them on a delicate mission. There was an explanation that would be needed, one Annie was sure that they would never get.

Now she wished that she had told Reiner to be careful.

Annie flinched and looked down at the table. She traced a gouge in the table, using the motion to distract herself.

Christa and Ymir had killed Bertholdt, she couldn't bring herself to forget that fact. Bertholdt and Reiner had been the closest things to friends she had aside from Mina, mostly because she had kept herself distant.

Mina and Bertholdt had been lost to Trost and she didn't want to lose Reiner. Even if it felt like she had lost him already.

Annie cleared her throat, looking back up at Eren. "They were needed, so they went. If they wanted to hurt us would they have come back?"

"It could be a trick. They even hauled Marco with them to get Jean into this. They probably hurt him to sell it."

Annie doubted that Connie and Sasha would be able to hurt anyone. They might have been able to hurt a faceless populace, but that had been because humanity had been monsters to them. They had explained that much when they had come back. Someone that they knew was something completely different. The thought was something that Annie would hang onto, because she was hoping that they were sincere with what they had said.

She didn't want to lose one of the only friends that she had left.

"Eren, just trust the captain if you can't trust them. Trust your sister too. Between the two of them, they can keep Sasha and Connie in check." Annie frowned when he rolled his eyes. "Nothing you say can change what's happening."

Eren stared at her for a moment, Annie surprised to see the corner of his mouth twitch up. "I almost liked you better when you didn't talk."

Annie shrugged. "I could be quiet and just kick your ass."

"No thanks."

"Then sit down and stop pacing. It's annoying."

Annie crossed her arms over her chest, staring him down.

Eren fidgeted for a moment before turning and leaving the room. He was probably going to check on Marco or pace in another part of the cabin. Annie didn't care, as long as she didn't have to watch him worry over the same subject over and over.

She had come to terms with Sasha and Connie, or as much as she could with those two. She didn't need to watch Eren come to terms with it himself. Annie was on glorified guard duty anyway.

Annie shifted in her chair so she could look out the window. She gave Eren about half an hour before he was back at the window and pacing. That was plenty of time for her to come up with another way to distract him until the others came back.


	12. Chapter 12

"You're pretty good at lying." Annie watched as Mina froze, expecting the girl to look back at her. Instead, she shook her head and finished covering Daz up. Annie snorted, looking out from the cover of the tree that they had found.

It was still snowing, although not as hard as it had been. They would be able to move back to camp soon, although it would take much longer now that they were hauling Daz along with them. And there was the very real chance that Daz would't make it back, but that was his own fault. If he hadn't been so impatient and rushed the last part of their exercise, he wouldn't have fallen from that tree.

Annie turned around so she could see the two of them, watching as Mina finished tucking Daz in. There was a brief, murmured conversation that Annie couldn't catch, and she didn't feel the need to. It was probably just more reassurances that everything would be alright. A quick report on the weather and a promise that they were going to get him back.

Personally, Annie thought that the better promise to make was to deliver his belongings back to his family. They had miles to cover and an injured man to drag. Of course it would hurt losing Daz, he was funny in his own way, but Annie had quickly figured out what would happen to him as soon as she saw him laying splayed at the base of a tree. His leg and arm were broken and he was bleeding badly. The best they could do was wrap him up and hope the injured limbs held still. Annie wouldn't be surprised if he had managed to break ribs either, but they hadn't been willing to strip him from his coat and clothes to make sure. She couldn't guess if those were the same things that kept the bones from shifting.

Mina finished with Daz, coming to sit beside her on the edge of the clear bit of ground underneath the tree. She tucked herself into a little ball, Annie raising an eyebrow at the move. Mina might feel warmer, but it wasn't going to help them start moving. Annie wasn't sure when the snow would pick up again, but she wanted to start moving while they could. The faster they moved, the better chances they would have of saving Daz.

She was about to go retrieve their comrade and the sled they had strapped him to when Mina looked up at her. "What makes you say that?"

"Say what?"

"That I'm a good liar."

Annie took a moment to get her mind back into the course of the conversation, not on the easiest way back to camp from their position. She stared at Mina for a moment before shrugging. "Because of what you said to him."

She heard Mina stand up behind her, Annie tensing before reminding herself to relax. If any attack came, she had the advantage in the situation. Better yet, she was the one with their supplies. It would be a stupid move on Mina's part to try to attack her when Annie could destroy her only hopes of survival. And Mina was one of the ones that Annie felt she could almost trust; just like she could almost trust Reiner and Bertholdt.

That didn't stop her from twisting slightly so she could still see Mina as she walked over to the sled.

Mina was biting her lip, looking like she wanted to say something, but she just kept quiet. She let Annie hoist the rope of the sled over her shoulder and start pulling Daz out into the snow. Mina kept pace beside her, keeping her silence until they were a distance from their temporary camp.

It was only when they were walking through the dark forest that Mina spoke up again.

"Wouldn't you like to hear those things?"

"Why? It would be better to hear the truth." Annie tugged the rope into a more comfortable position. "If I'm not going to make it, then I want to at least know it."

"Won't you give up?"

"No." Annie sighed, glancing back over at Mina. "Why would the truth make me want to do that?"

"Because the truth sounds horrible sometimes."

Annie shrugged. "Everything sounds horrible sometimes. Life isn't always happy."

"What's wrong with wanting to make it that way?"

Annie turned to deliver her retort and found that she couldn't, because Mina was looking at her like she had all the answers. In that moment, Annie was sure that she could order Mina to do anything, and she would do it. Even if it was to stop where she was and stand in place until she froze.

Annie shivered at the thought. That much power was frightening. It was the kind of power that the nobles had and threw around without a thought. It was something to be avoided.

She looked back down at the snow, focusing on hauling the sled along. It was hard in the knee deep snow, but at least the snow cleared them of any obstacles that were on the forest floor. Annie was sure she would have abandoned the sled if she had had to haul the damn thing over roots. Besides, their camp was just down the hill, which was easier than hauling the sled uphill. If worse came to worse, they could just hitch a ride down with Daz.

"I don't think wanting to hope is a bad thing." Annie glanced at Mina, shaking her head when she realized the girl was staring at the sky as she walked. Mina was going to trip and then Annie was going to be pulling two bodies on a sled.

Mina didn't even seem to notice her staring, focused on the stars in the sky. "Things can get bad, and it always seems to help when someone tells you that it's going to get better. Sometimes, you can get lost in all the bad stuff that happens." Mina glanced over at her before sighing. "But I guess that it could hurt, having hope. Was that you growing up? I can't imagine being the illegitimate daughter of the Reiss house would come with a lot of hope."

Annie stopped dead in her tracks, watching as Mina walked further ahead of her.

She was aware of the sweat that had broken out all over her body, and not because of the work she was doing.  _No one_ was supposed to know about her. Annie Reiss had never lived, so there was no way that she could have died. Annie Leonhart was a girl from one of the towns inside Wall Rose; the only hardship she had faced was the famine right after Wall Maria fell.

No one was supposed to know who she was because a secret kept among many was sure to slip out. And Annie was not about to let herself die, not after everything she had done to survive.

There was a knife within easy reach in her coat, something that she could pull out and use quickly. It would involve dropping the rope, but she could fake a fumble that would bring Mina into range. From there it would be easy to bury Mina in the snow and say they had gotten separated or just bring Mina back to their camp. If she pretended she was frightened enough, maybe they would believe that it was an accident. Maybe even the same one that had hurt Daz.

She was shifting to get her knife when Mina turned around, smiling at her. "I think it's horrible that you weren't allowed to hope, that you aren't allowed to be  _you_. And I want to help."

Annie snorted, Mina taking that as her answer. She came scampering back, stopping just out of reach. Annie waited for another revelation from her, but Mina just stuck out her hand with a smile. "I'll make you a deal. If we get out of this, then I'll tell Daz just how bad it was and you reclaim your name. Of course, it doesn't have to be right away. Now might not be the best time for it, but some day the time might be better. You stop hiding yourself and I'll stop hiding the truth, deal?"

Against her better judgment, Annie shook Mina's hand. She didn't even think twice about reaching out, even without her knife. Here was someone who knew about her past, and wasn't going to do anything about it. In fact, Mina was someone who didn't treat her any differently, even knowing that secret. She had never done anything to make Annie suspect until the moment she talked, and that was enough to trust her.

"Fine." She pulled her hand away and started trudging down the hill. "Let's get out of here before we all freeze."

"Of course. I wouldn't want to help you get out of your promise." Mina grinned and skipped ahead, Annie shaking her head at the girl's antics.

* * *

Annie was sure that she was the only one not crying.

Reiner was on his knees, clutching a handful of ashes to his chest and sobbing like his world had come to an end. Which it probably had.

Bertholdt was dead and, aside from the belongings that the two had managed to save from their village - the belongings that could barely fill up one box - he was the only thing left from their village.

Connie was also a mess, but at least he had his hand pressed firmly against his mouth. He was shaking badly, and probably would have ended up on the ground as well if Sasha wasn't clinging to him, her arm around his shoulders and her temple pressed against his.

Christa and Ymir was on their right, Christa with her back to the pyre and her face pressed against Ymir's chest. Ymir was the only one actually staring right into the flames, but Annie could catch the tear tracks on her cheeks.

On the other side of Sasha and Connie, Jean and Marco practically mirrored the two girls, except Jean had his head on Marco's shoulder and he was clinging to Marco like he expected him to dissolve. Marco had his gaze fixed on Reiner, although every once and a while he would tighten his hold on Jean. 

Franz and Hannah were right next to her, the two of them standing shoulder to shoulder and staring at their joined hands. Annie tried not to stare at the glint of something around Hannah's wrist, something that had definitely not been there before the Colossal Titan had attacked.

Still, all of them were crying and all Annie could do was stare at the pyre.

Out of all of them, she had been so sure that Bertholdt would come back. He was the second best out of the whole class. She was sure that, even with his quiet personality, he would have fought harder than Mikasa to get back because Reiner would be waiting. It didn't make sense because she  _knew_ Bertholdt, just like she knew everyone in her class when they had just been potential enemies.

Nothing was adding up.

She didn't even have Mina with her to explain it in the way that Annie had come to depend on Mina to. She was burning on the pyre with Bertholdt.

A titan had found her, eaten her and then threw her up like she was no consequence at all.

Before, Annie would have been relieved that her secret was safe, but now she was slightly horrified. Mina had been her friend, as had Bertholdt, and she couldn't even cry at their passing. All she could do was stare at the flames and wish that they hadn't died.

* * *

The others were all downstairs, probably listening to the torture going on somewhere in their new hideout. Maybe Armin was tucked away in a corner with Eren, Mikasa and Jean visiting him in rotation, but most of them would be arranged around the table, waiting for Levi to come in with more news.

That was why Annie had climbed into the attic of the house with the information they had already gotten from the member of the Interior Military Police, the information Levi and Hanji were checking against Sannes right now.

Annie didn't want to hear the man screaming or begging for mercy, not after what they had gone through. Not after what they had done to Armin.

There were still bruises on his face and arms from when the thugs had realized that he and Jean weren't who they said they were, which made her all the angrier.

Armin had gotten those in her place. She could have easily gone in and handled herself, could have done the job and wouldn't be stuck worrying about who would get hurt next because of the tangled web of secrets that seemed to center on her.

Annie could do without the dreams where she was at the pyre again, where they were burning the bodies of Bertholdt, Mina, Armin and Jean.

It was easier to stay distant, stay angry and make herself useful by going over everything they had for something that would help. Mostly what they had gotten was a list of names in the highest levels of the Military Police and what they had been doing.

Annie shuffled through the list, barely paying attention to most of it. None of it was important, none of the payoffs or the people killed because it didn't relate to her. At least until she stumbled across a familiar name.

_Ismene Carolina, operative in charge of watching over the Reiss household._

She let the other pages drop of her of hands, Annie tipping her body to catch the light coming through the window in the attic. She read the first line over again just to make sure that she hadn't gotten it wrong.

Ismene's name was just another on attached to a long list of the members of the Reiss family, ending with her own name and a blank space next to it. What was more interesting was the duty that had been given to the officers.

_Surveillance of the Reiss family. Special care was to be taken to watch for any signs of rebellion. Official documents stated because some of the earliest members of the family had been connected to those who had fallen out of favor with the past kings. Unofficially, it was a well known fact that the Reiss family has the better claim to the throne, which was not to be revealed at any cost. A civil war between ruling families would have ended the peace we have fought long and hard for._

Annie dropped the paper to the ground, feeling laughter threatening to bubble out of her. She bit down on her finger, staring at the blank spot next to her name.

It should have been filled, except the person who best suited that position had been still in training and then she had died in Trost. And she had been good enough enough to get past Annie, to make her believe that she was nothing but a concerned friend. Any maybe some part of her had been, but that didn't make the truth any different.

Annie tipped her head back and laughed, listening to the sound of it echo around the attic. The others downstairs might have thought that she was going insane, between the sound of her laughing and the screams that must have been coming downstairs.

She pressed a hand against her stomach, wiping at the tears that had gathered at the corner of her eyes as she tried to calm down.

"So you kept your promise after all Mina."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want this to hurt more, listen to Say Something by A Great Big World while reading this. Alternately titled Five Times that Jean Held On and the One Time He Let Go.

**Five**

"Come on, it's easy."

Jean grumbled, glancing up from the platform that he was standing on to glare at Marco. Of course his friend was smiling, because that's what Marco did. He smiled and gave encouraging speeches, and everyone wanted to follow him because of it.

But this was the one time that Jean wasn't sure about following him.

Marco said that he had practiced the move, and the fact that he had managed to do it proved that he wasn't lying. But the move was also something that Marco had seen one of their instructors do, something that should have come with years of experience. Suddenly, learning the move to impress Mikasa wasn't such a good idea.

"Marco..."

"Come on, it's easy. Just do what I said."

Jean wanted to shake his head, but he had pulled Marco aside for this specifically. He wanted to learn fancy tricks, not only for Mikasa but because he knew he could do them. He desperately wanted a score that could get him into the Military Police, and this was one thing that he was sure would land him that spot.

He took a deep breath, focusing on the smile that Marco was giving him. The gap between them seemed to stretch larger, Jean closing his eyes and taking off at a run.

It was four strides to the edge of the platform, Jean opening his eyes to make the jump.

The first hook was easy enough to aim, Jean sinking it into the nearest tree. That was his point to slingshot around.

He hesitated before hitting the trigger for more gas, swinging himself around the tree. The burst took him past the platform that Marco was on, Jean quickly retrieving his first hook and firing the next.

Jean heard the metal sink into the wood, letting off of the gas just in time to hit the end of the line. Instead of releasing and heading for the next target, Jean began to reel himself back, using the line he had put out at the last minute to drag him back to the platform.

It wasn't a smooth process, Jean having to check over his shoulder a couple time or swing forward so he didn't fall and miss the platform.

He miscalculated at the last minute, putting on too much gas as he hit the platform. Jean stumbled backwards, tripping over his own line.

Jean flailed his arms, trying to catch his balance, only to fall backwards.

But Marco was there, grabbing onto his waist and bracing himself. Jean yelped and grabbed onto Marco's arms, the two of them freezing in place as they waited to topple over.

It was only when Jean was sure that they were both secure that he opened his eyes, staring up at Marco as he friend panted for breath. Even then, it took Marco's smile a moment to return.

As soon as it was, Marco tugged him upright. "Easy, right?"

Jean rolled his eyes, thinking about the bruise that he could have gotten if he had fallen onto the platform, or what could have happened if he had fallen off. The thoughts just made him cling to Marco more tightly.

He saw Marco glance down at his hands, sighing in relief when Marco didn't comment on the hold.

"Let's wait before trying that again."

"Yeah. Sounds good."

The reassurance wasn't enough for him to let go. He kept clinging to Marco, refusing to meet his friend's gaze.

He tensed as Marco's arms slid back around his waist, pulling him close. "When you're ready, Jean."

The only response he could think of giving was to lean into Marco.

* * *

**Four**

Jean's hand was sweaty in his own.

Marco paused, turning to look at the boy he was tugging along behind him.

Jean wasn't looking at him.

He bit his lip and looked down at the ground. Jean had seemed so eager before, practically throwing himself at him after they had finished their chores. Jean had been the one to suggest that they move from the equipment shed to the hayloft, because no one would be there.

Marco had been too busy trying to process the fact that  _Jean_ was kissing him. The same Jean that had always been too busy trying to impress Mikasa to see him. And then he had been too busy not caring, because it was just what he wanted.

He rubbed the tip of his nose with his free hand, jerking back when Jean reached up to claim that hand as well.

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Jean that they didn't have to do this, to give Jean a way out. They were more than halfway through their training after all, stressed and horribly hormonal. Marco wouldn't blame Jean for it.

Jean just rubbed his thumb over the back of Marco's hand before walking forward again, switching their positions so he was the one towing Marco along.

Marco was tempted to drag his feet, because this wasn't supposed to be happening. He was supposed to be watching over Annie, earning her trust to get the information that he wanted. He wasn't supposed to be spending so much time with the rest of the 104th. He wasn't supposed to be falling for anyone. He was too close, and too close meant that something was bound to go wrong.

But then Jean turned and grinned at him, Marco feeling his stomach flip nervously.

He should let go of Jean's hand, but the hold on his own was strong and sure despite the sweat. Marco didn't think he would have been able to get away if he wanted to, not that he ever really wanted to.

A sharp tug brought him closer, Marco tucking himself against Jean's side. He tipped his head to the side, biting his lip as Jean nuzzled his neck.

"Come on, Marco." The words were interspersed with kisses, his name followed by one with just a hint of teeth. "I'm dying here."

"Yeah..." Marco was sure that there was something else to be said, but he was too busy latching onto Jean's shoulder to keep himself upright.

Sure that he wouldn't fall to the ground like an idiot, Marco allowed himself to be swept away.

* * *

**Three**

Jean landed awkwardly on the wall, stumbling forward a step in his exhaustion. He muttered a curse under his breath, looking around.

Others were landing on the wall, a few just collapsing where they stood. At least he had managed a bit better than them, but Jean was sure that he wasn't going to be making it back to their barracks. He just wanted to sleep where he stood.

"Jean!"

He looked up at the sound of his name being shouted, managing to raise one hand in a wave as he saw Marco running for him. He didn't have time to call back, Marco barreling into him.

The two of them fell back onto the wall, Jean grunting as he took Marco's full weight, but he wasn't about to complain. Not when Marco was clinging to him like he expected Jean to disappear. And definitely not when he was doing the same.

Jean chuckled, turning his head so he could rest his temple against Marco's. "I thought I lost you there for a moment."

"It would take more than that." Marco squeezed him tighter for a moment, his voice dropping to a whisper. "I'm here. Your orders kept me alive."

Jean wanted to snap back, but it was hard when Marco was a comforting weight on top of him. Even with the gear digging into his back, Jean wanted nothing more than to just lay on top of the wall. At least until he was sure that Marco wouldn't be drifting off on him. So many of his squad had died quickly in Trost, and there were still titans in the city below.

He closed his eyes, breathing in Marco instead of the fire and death of the city below.

* * *

**Two**

Jean was still curled up by his side, something that Marco had never expected.

Everything had changed since he had found out that Eren was a titan shifter.

Sasha and Connie hadn't continued with their plan, so only the outer wall had been breached. But something had still gone wrong because Bertholdt had died.

Marco was not about to believe that it had been an accident, but his chance to question the others about it hadn't come up yet; not if he wanted to keep his own secret quiet. The best he could do was to follow Sasha and Connie into the Scouting Legion to keep an eye on them. He had never expected Jean to follow him, not after everything they had talked about.

He shifted, surprised when Jean quickly pulled him back into his former position. Marco frowned, reaching down to rest his hands over Jean's. "What are you doing?"

"Keeping you here." Jean didn't look up from where his head was pressed against Marco's shoulder. "Don't want you running off somewhere."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you joined the Scouting Legion when we were going to... I don't want to get surprised like that again."

"I'm sorry."

Jean flinched, Marco sighing and turning onto his side.

It took a moment for Jean to meet his gaze, Marco smiling when he did. He reached out to rest his hand against the nape of Jean's neck. Jean didn't know what the motion meant to Marco, and Marco hoped that Jean would never have to find out. But it made him smile when Jean relaxed and mirrored the motion.

Marco closed his eyes, listening as Jean gave a ragged sigh. "Why?"

It took everything that he had not to flinch. Instead, Marco just cleared his throat, not even having to force his voice to crack. "I don't want it to happen to you. I don't want another wall to be kicked down and find you out there. I don't want you to be the next Bertholdt. I wouldn't be able to...I'm not that strong, Jean."

"We're both going to die out there."

"At least I'll be there." Marco took a deep breath. "And, if I do this, then there's a chance that we'll win. Then, maybe, we could go back to Jinae."

He felt Jean jerk against him, opening his eyes to see Jean staring at him in shock. Marco smiled and pressed his forehead to Jean's. "When this is over, come back to Jinae with me."

"Yeah. Nothing is going to make me break that promise."

Marco smiled, ignoring the small voice in the back of his head that reminded him that he had other things to worry about. They didn't matter anymore. He was with the people who would give him what he needed, and beyond that there was nothing else for him to do. Nothing else but enjoy his time with Jean.

* * *

**One**

Someone offered the reins of a horse to him, but Jean ignored them. He clambered up into the cart instead, hurrying to take Marco's hand again.

The point of contact between them was the only thing keeping him from losing it completely.

Marco was a shifter.

Marco hadn't told him.

Marco had  _lied_ to him.

Marco had saved them.

Marco wasn't waking up.

Jean slumped against the side of the cart, ignoring the way that the wood dug into his back. There was too much to sort through, and there was still a breach in the wall to find. 

"Damn it, Marco." He reached out to brush Marco's bangs back from his face. Jean wasn't sure if he imagined Marco moving, but he didn't lift his hand from Marco's forehead. "I need you to explain this to me."

If Marco was a shifter, then why hadn't he ever told anyone? After hearing about the trial that Eren had gone through, Jean understood why Marco would have hidden his secret away. But there was still the lingering fear that Marco wasn't like Eren, that he was like Christa. Jean wasn't sure what he would do if Marco was trying to destroy humanity, because he didn't like what it meant for him.

He would have been a distraction, a cover for Marco.

He had been the closest to Marco, he should have been able to figure that out. But he was left just as confused as everyone else. Confused, lost and waiting for Marco to heal all of his injuries.

Jean squeezed Marco's hand. "I won't let them take you, not until you've had the time to talk. I promise. But I need something to go on. Just wake up. Wake up for me, Marco."

There was no response.

* * *

_Marco rested his chin on the top of his knees, watching as Emile toddled through the grass. Sophia was close behind her son, her second child balanced carefully on her hip. Marco was sure that she was saying something, but they were just out of range. But they were smiling, which was good, and Sophia's husband didn't look worried._

_He turned his head, watching Elena lean against her fiancé. She was laughing at something either Sophia or her fiancé had said. Elena patted her fiancé's arm, leaning back to shout something at their parents._

_Marco's mother just laughed, tugging at her husband's sleeve. But their father wasn't really paying attention. He was swinging Nicolai up onto his shoulders with a grunt of effort._

_Nicolai wasn't helping the effort, squirming and waving at Marco._

_Marco lifted his hand to wave, freezing when he felt fingers brush against the nape of his neck. The familiar touch had him tipping his head back, Marco smiling as he saw Jean crouching just behind him._

_Jean waved back at Nicolai, earning a squeal from the boy. Nicolai leaned over to babble down at his father, nearly bouncing on his shoulders._

_Marco laughed at the picture that his little brother made, tempted to go over and offer to take him off his father's hands. But he was comfortable where he was sitting, and Jean was pleasantly close._

_He leaned back into the gentle touch, tipping his head back in a silent request for a kiss. Marco saw the corner of Jean's mouth twitch up in reply, and then he was leaning in close. Marco slid his hand into Jean's hair, intending to bring him closer._

"Do you understand Kirschtein?"

Marco whimpered and opened his eyes, wanting to snap at someone for interrupting his dream. It had been the only thing keeping him calm enough to walk up to the execution block. He didn't want to lose it, not when everything had been  _perfect_.

He gritted his teeth against the lingering pain in the back of his neck. Apparently, the executioner had missed his first strike and he would have to deal with another clumsy cut.

Which didn't explain why he was lying on his side or why someone was holding onto his hand.

Marco blinked, finally paying attention to where he was.

It looked like a bedroom, Marco able to see a bed across from him. The rest of the room was blocked by a familiar back, Marco relaxing just a fraction as he saw Jean sitting on the edge of the bed.

Sasha and Connie must have altered the plan, and Marco couldn't find it in himself to be mad. They had saved him and brought him home at the risk of their own lives. Everything was still messed up, but at least he was home.

"Kirschtein?"

"I've got it."

There was an annoyed sound before the door slammed shut, Marco trying to piece together the conversation. There was just too much information that he hadn't gotten.

He swallowed, gently squeezing Jean's hand.

Marco had expected Jean to squeeze back, not for him to start and nearly jump across the small room. He frowned, pushing himself shakily up onto his elbow. "What was that about?"

His voice was raspy, Marco clearing his throat. He wanted to ask the question again, but he stopped at the look on Jean's face.

It was fear, anger and disgust; like when they had been told that Christa was the Female Titan. And it was directed at him.

Marco shivered, reaching out his free hand. "Jean-"

He didn't get the chance to finish. Jean took the one step needed to get to the door and opened it. Jean slammed the door shut behind him, leaving Marco staring at the space that he had stood, his hand still reaching out for him.


	14. Chapter 14

Armin jerked awake as his chin slipped out of his hand. He stopped himself from slamming his head into the table, but only just. Armin steadied himself with a hand on the edge of the table, too busy trying to right himself to notice that the door had opened until he heard people talking.

The watch outside had probably just changed, meaning that he had missed the first two going out. Armin rubbed his eyes, not surprised that he had managed to fall asleep with the change of the guard. He was exhausted more often than not now between the extended training and the nightmares.

He rubbed his hand over his face, not sure if he was trying to wake himself up or try to scrub away the last of the nightmares that had driven him to pace the small kitchen area instead of the boy's bedroom. Franz would grumble and Jean and Eren needed what sleep they could get.

There was a click over by the door, Armin lowering his hands to stare at the two shadows. He watched as one lowered what had to be a gun, Armin shaking his head. Of course they would react out of fear. Everyone else was already asleep, and would remain that way unless they had to take one of the watches.

"Armin?" It was Marco, Armin relaxing slightly.

"Yeah. It's just me."

"Why-" Armin heard Marco grunt as the other person elbowed him.

"Go upstairs and sleep. And not in the hallway, I've tripped over you too many times."

Marco stumbled off in the direction of the stairs, Armin following his shadow until someone pulled out the chair across from him. He cleared his throat. "Annie?"

She huffed, the sound enough to get him to relax. He eased up his grip on the table, leaning back in his chair. "Why don't you go to sleep too?"

He was expecting her to leave, or to at least give him a warning. He didn't expect Annie to lean forward. "Because I've managed to become one of the only people here who's actually functioning. I want to know why."

"Isn't that..." Armin shook his head. He was too tired to really think through what she was saying. All he wanted to do was to get some sleep, at the table if he needed to. "Annie, I'm fine."

"No you're not. If Mikasa was paying better attention, she would be the one calling you out on this."

"That's not fair."

"You're right, it's not." Annie sat back, Armin hoping that it meant that she was done with the conversation. Instead, he got a brief hint of movement in the darkness before she continued on. "Mikasa is still hiding the fact that her ribs hurt while looking after Eren and you. You know that, so you're hiding this from her."

"Annie..."

"I just want to know if I'm going to have to watch you too. We're a small enough group as it is, we don't need anyone breaking down on us. Not now."

Armin frowned. "You were ready to leave."

"Yeah, and I still might. Letting Levi chase me until I die still sounds better than being queen." She sighed. "But I'm not going to."

Armin didn't have to ask her why. Reiner was still with them and still fragile. There was no other word that Armin could think of to describe it. One moment, Reiner would be the happy go lucky guy that he had been in training. The next, he would be the solemn soldier that had emerged from Trost. It was frightening to watch because it was taking Reiner longer and longer to come back to himself. So far, Annie was the only one able to snap him out of it. Worse yet, Annie was the only one that Reiner still talked to.

He rubbed his hands over his face. "Annie, please, just go back to bed."

"I plan to. Just tell me why you're down here. I don't even care if it's not the truth. Just give me a reason that sounds right so I can stop worrying."

"And then you'll tell Mikasa."

"Yes." Annie didn't sound surprised that he had figured her out. "Because she knows you and she can get through to you."

It was tempting to give in, to say that Eren had been flailing around in his sleep and it was better to just wait it out. Mikasa would still be told, but Armin could easily get her to divert her attention. What he was going through wasn't that bad at all, he just had to muddle through. Annie would go back upstairs and leave him to sit back in his chair and-

_-rock forward, curling his body around the punch as much as his bonds would allow him. He could hear them laughing, something about him taking the hit like a girl. Armin barely had the time to suck in another breath before they were pushing him back, one of the men pulling his arm back for another punch._

"Armin?"

He must have made a sound, because Annie sounded alert, like something had put her on guard. Armin pressed his hands over his mouth, shaking his head even though he knew that she couldn't see it. It was easier to listen to her voice instead of Jean's in his head.

_"I'm Cadet Eren Jaegar of the Scouting Legion from Shinganshina." A pained gasp as the blow hit, and then a pause for the same question._

_Armin looked across the room towards Jean, watching his friend's gaze flick over to him before Jean squared his shoulders. "I'm Cadet Jaeger of the Scouting Legion-"_

"Armin." He jerked away from the touch on his shoulder, already trying to brace for the next blow.

Instead, he nearly fell out of his chair.

Annie was quick to steady him, Armin grabbing onto her arm as he panted for breath. She seemed to understand what he wanted, settling one arm over his shoulder. It was what Mikasa had always done, although she had always been behind him. Annie was crouching on the floor next to him.

She patted his arm, slowly letting him go. "You back now?"

"Yeah."

"And that was about..."

It was on the tip of his tongue to say nothing, that it was a sneeze or something; but Annie was still holding onto his arm. She was close, but he still couldn't see her face in the darkness, and that made it easier. There was just the comforting hand, which could be anyone's.

Armin slumped forward, resting his forehead against the table. "The decoy mission, to figure out who wanted Eren. I just keep thinking about when it went wrong."

He gritted his teeth to keep himself from continuing on. It didn't matter that it had felt like hours before the others came because he  _knew_ that it had only been minutes. It didn't matter because he had known the risks going in and he had gotten out safely. The bruises were gone and he had escaped without any broken bones. The worst injury that the two of them had gotten was Jean's black eye, and maybe the nightmares that had followed.

But he had thought that he had gotten over them, because it wasn't going to happen again.

He felt Annie squeeze his arm, not sure if it was meant to be comforting or encouragement to keep talking. Armin took it to be the latter, licking his lips and stumbling on. "Sometimes it just...hits me. At lot more now than before. Jean and I have talked about it...and about what our next plan is."

Annie was silent for a moment before she let go of his arm. "We're not using decoys this time."

"The thing is," Armin had to swallow, "the thing is that I'm not worried that we'll be asked to do it again. I'm worried that we're using you guys this time."

"We can't use the decoys this time. The Military Police needs to believe that the Reeves Company is on their side."

"What if something goes wrong?"

"Eren and I can handle ourselves."

"Jean and I trained just as much as you two did and things still went wrong. And the rest of us won't be close enough to help." Armin was aware that his hands were shaking. He curled them into fists, hoping that they would stop.

Annie squeezed his arm again. "Who do you keep seeing then? With Reiner it's always Bertholdt...but I don't think you just think about what happened to you and Jean."

"Sometimes it's Eren."

Annie's hand slipped off his arm, Armin looking over at her as she stood up. "We can handle ourselves."

"That doesn't make it any better."

"That's all I have. I won't promise anything that I can't do." She moved around the table, hesitating by the base of the stairs. "But I can promise you that sleeping at the table won't make the nightmares go away. It'll make you fall out of the sky when we're training. Come back upstairs, sleep with Mikasa if you have to, I won't tell. Just don't get yourself killed."

"Because we don't have that many people to begin with?"

Annie paused for a long moment before answering, "Yes."

Armin listened to her climb the stairs, hesitating for a moment before pushing away from the table and following her up.


End file.
